AITA for being super disappointed that my mom didn’t give my kids Christmas gifts?
This is long. So it’s a perfect read for those who love a lot of detailed context, lol.
My (38F) relationship with my mother (65F) has always been rocky. She is a difficult woman to spend time with as she’s often quite negative and self-centred, and then defensive if called out on it.
Growing up my 3 siblings and I were emotionally abused and neglected by her. She also parentified us, and it got worse once we became adults. Essentially, emotionally the roles were reversed and it felt as if we were the parent in the relationship. It’s a one-way street where she drains others emotionally but doesn’t pour into them. Family counselling (initiated by myself and two sisters) and countless conversations has not helped.
In recent years I’ve gone no contact with her a couple of times (my older brother and older sister have both taken turns as well taking a step away and our youngest sister conveniently lives in a different city and isn’t able to visit often), both times for me were after having just had a baby and I was extra overwhelmed with the dynamic between us where it felt like I was emotionally responsible for an additional child when with her. This last time was in June, when I was 11 days postpartum and I realized I wasn’t going to be strong enough to handle her in this demanding season with a new baby. I told her I needed a break from seeing/talking to her and I would let her know when I was ready to connect again.
As in the past, she acted like she didn’t understand what the problem was, and heavily guilt tripped me for stepping away. At this point, I was done trying to explain myself because I had learned that it was pointless. She has plenty of saved messages from myself and my siblings to go back and read to remind herself what the problem is. I know that she saves these messages because in the past she has ruminated over them, even ones from many years ago, and read out loud to me what my sister or brother has written to her, begging me to help her understand what the problem is. They have always been abundantly clear. We all have. The family counsellor we saw at one point was very good at helping explain it so she could understand. It comes down to us all waiting for her to take accountability for herself. For how her actions and words affect us. She is completely unwilling to, and would rather play the victim and have everyone feel sorry for her. She says we are being unloving by not “accepting her just as she is.” She doesn’t want to be responsible for making changes to be a better person. I wonder if she believes she is incapable of change, as she has a lot of her own childhood trauma that is obviously affecting the way she behaves.
We have asked her to please see her own personal counsellor so that she can heal her own past in order to be a better mother to her family. All of her children see their own counselors, our older brother even married a therapist! But she is unwilling because she thinks that “therapists are all quacks.”
Earlier this December I decided to try again to reconnect for the sake of our kids. My husband has always supported me and been understanding of me avoiding the stress I feel around my mother, but he’s been hopeful that I’d be ready to patch things up for my own peace of mind (calm my feelings of anxiety and guilt) and for the benefit of our kids having their grandma in their lives especially since my husband’s mom (who was a wonderful woman!) passed away earlier this year.
We got together at my mom’s house to celebrate Christmas today. My younger sister and her partner came as well. I am not close with this sister, we’re 10 years apart, have different dads (both of which are not in the picture anymore), and live very different lifestyles, so we just have drifted apart over the years. No animosity, though, and we have shared interests we occasionally chat about.
There was palpable tension in the air the moment we arrived. My mom greeted us, gave everyone hugs except for me, and then retreated to the kitchen to finish prepping dinner. She has always taken great pride in her home cooked meals, she does a stellar job and it has always been very appreciated. Nonetheless, I admittedly struggle more and more over the years with happily accepting these meals because I realize it’s the only one way she consistently tries to show love to her family at the neglect of meaningful emotional connection. As if providing a lovely meal is enough to show a mother’s love. To me, it’s akin to a father who thinks going to work and earning money is sufficient enough and avoids truly connecting with his family. Anyway, she has never liked having help in the kitchen, so I went to the living room to be with my sister and her partner.
This sister, who doesn’t have any children, doesn’t really like kids, and has never taken any real interest in her nieces or nephews, doesn’t follow up or ask about their lives, and this was her very first time meeting my six month old baby who she didn’t seem to care about meeting… she proceeds to gift my husband and I and our three children with the most thoughtful quality gifts, some of which were even handmade. They weren’t expensive gifts, some were even thrifted, but the point is they were clearly well thought out and personalized. My husband and I were very touched, that felt so loving coming from her.
We then had supper, after which my kids ask if there is dessert. My mom
admitted she forgot to prepare any, which was surprising. She has always served dessert at holidays especially being mindful of pleasing the kids/grandkids. Thankfully, my husband and I had brought some baked goods along though.
Then we sit at the table and make small talk. It’s awkward. My kids go off to play and I’m looking around the room wondering where are the Christmas gifts for her grandkids? I don’t see anything. She never gives them a thing, but just talks to them asking what gifts they got from mom and dad.
This is so bizarre to me because over the years she’s always asked us what our kids would like for birthdays and Christmas, and even given them a card and sweets for Valentine’s Day and Easter. Gift giving has never been a strength of hers but she’s consistently made some kind of effort for her grandkids. Except for ever since I cut her out this year right after our youngest was born and our two oldest kids had birthdays between then and Christmas, for which she didn’t get gifts because we didn’t invite her to their parties. My husband stayed in contact with her all that time, even running errands for her that she needed help with, but yet she didn’t even acknowledge her grandkids birthdays.
Back to the Christmas gathering. It’s getting late and our children need to get home to bed. We pack up our things, and we’re sent home with leftover food. No Christmas gifts from grandma. I felt so disheartened for our kids. Especially our 4 and 6 year old who will have been wondering why didn’t grandma give us a gift, but our auntie who we never have had much connection with, did??
I know gifts aren’t the true meaning of Christmas, nor should they be the primary way of showing love, but is it not concerning that she didn’t think to give her grandkids gifts when gift giving has always been the culture of how we celebrate Christmas in our family and she’s finally coming back into relationship with her grandkids after half a year?! I’m just flabbergasted and wondering what to expect moving forward.
