AITA for not telling my sister in law about secrets my brother is keeping from her?
I (25 F) have a brother (34 M) and SIL (31 F) who have been together for just over 12 years. Recently, they’ve started to have relationship struggles surrounding finances and intimacy.
This SIL has been a part of my life since I was like 12, and honestly I feel closer to her than some of my actual blood siblings. Her and I have always confided in each other about life despite our age difference. Recently she has come to me for advice about her relationship bc, quite frankly, I have a more stable relationship with my husband (27 M) currently and she feels like she isn’t a good wife or mother (which isn’t true, she’s a fantastic mom btw).
Some back story to help you see the big picture: My brother lost his job a couple years ago, after living very comfortably financially for over a decade (like the best off out of my entire family). While he has tried to find a new job in that same field, it’s next to impossible with the current economy and AI. To make ends meet, my SIL (who was a SAHM for a decade) went out and found a job to at least make ends meet with multiple types of assistance from the state and local community (ex, food banks). My brother has picked up and left 5-6 jobs in the last year or so, always finding a reason to leave them even if he didn’t have a back up job already found, leaving the financial burden on my SIL while she’s trying to raise their kids (the way she has described their day to day home life makes me feel like she is a “Married Single Mother”).
With tension and stress high, my SIL has struggled finding the emotional and mental balance to be intimate, and it has caused a lot of backlash from my brother. He has made comments about how he wished he would’ve known she is “a-sexual” (she isn’t) and that they should’ve have been intimate before getting married because they “aren’t compatible” to SIL’s face. This has caused a lot of self doubt and anxiety for her.
This is important to know because, it has come to my attention, that my SIL has NO knowledge of my brother’s past relationships. Both our families are very religious, and waiting until marriage is kind of a big deal. However, most of my siblings know my brother did NOT wait and had multiple girlfriends (at different times) he was intimate with and got drunk with before college even. He was also into “corn” for quite some time. He hid it all from our parents and apparently his wife too, which I had assumed all these years that she knew as she is very intertwined and close with a lot my family. Due to our conversations, I have been made aware that she does not know and is being very emotionally hurt from comments that he has been giving her.
I know it’s not necessarily my place to tell her, but I absolutely feel like I am lying to her by not sharing this, even though I have never directly said he has never been with anyone else. So I want to approach my SIL about this as my brother is not being honest about his past with her AND is blaming her for his failure to find a job and be happy currently. I understand intimacy is important in a marriage, but when the little things (hugs, wild flower bouquets, sweet notes, cuddles, etc…) disappear and are replaced with gaslighting and just pure hateful comments, how can someone expect their partner to still want to be with them like that?
So my question is, AITA if I let my SIL sit in the dark about my brother’s past until he decides to share it? I just really need advice bc I’m concerned for her and their kids, I have already told her I will be there to support her and the kids in any way, shape or form that I can. But genuinely, everyone I have personally talked to has agreed that she needs to take the kids and leave asap from this situation even before finding out that he has been lying to her about his past relations and habits.
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