This is going to be very long. Sorry.
I need to start off this post with a bit of history. Twenty-five years ago, my parents were separated and my dad was dying. He owned a commercial property, valued at the time for about $1 million, which he was going to leave to my sister Libby and I. Zero to my mom cuz they were separated. However, we would have had to pay high capital gains tax right away, and the only way we could have afforded to pay them at the time would have been to immediately sell the building which dad did not want us to do. He knew the value of the property was going to soar because of the neighbourhood (It is valued at $14 million now!). But under our tax laws, my mother could inherit the building (cuz they weren’t divorced) and not have to pay capital gains tax until she sold it. That way, she could hold onto it for years and sell it at the most appropriate time. So my mother convinced my father to make her the sole beneficiary of the building in the Will, making the promise that, when she finally sold it, she would split the money three ways (me, mom and Libby). They drew up an agreement and I have a copy. (I don’t think my mother knows that I have a copy.) Well, when my father died, she IMMEDIATELY sold the building (despite my telling her she should wait) and kept ALL the proceeds for herself as per The Will, ignoring the terms of the Agreement.
Although this was rather greedy on her part as it went against dad’s wishes, I didn’t want to sue her and ruin our relationship. I love my mom. Plus, I figured that had my parents still been married, it would have gone to her anyway. And he had been pretty abusive and hard to live with. So I figured… Let her have it. When she dies, her money will be split between Libby and I anyway.
Fast forward to 10 years ago. My mother wanted to move out of her home and ended up moving into the basement of our house. We did a complete renovation of our basement which cost about $100,000. She paid the full amount. To protect her investment, we drew up an agreement stating that, because rent would have cost her $1,000/mo at the time for this style apartment, we would value her investment at $12,000 per year in the case we needed to sell. So, for example, if we sold our home after 3 years, we would have to give her back $64K from the proceeds of the sale. After 5 years, we’d owe her $40k. After 8.5 years we would owe her nothing. We did put a clause in there that if she remained after the 8 1/2 years, she could live in our basement rent free. We also put in a clause that she would have to pay her share of utilities/maintenance for the entire time.
Because my husband was still working with a good salary, we never charged her utilities. My husband said “there is no way I am going to charge your mom $200 per month. We don’t need it”.
Now fast-forward to present day. My husband is about to retire. While we can live on his pension, we wont have a whole lot of extra. We never go out for expensive dinners. Meanwhile my mom goes out almost every night for dinner with her friends and goes to the theatre and concerts. She lives a pretty nice lifestyle with zero expenses.
So, I asked her if we could now count on her for $1,000 per month now that Ed is retiring. I reminded her that rent of her apartment in our area is now valued at $2,500/mo). I told her that things are a struggle and that we could really use a little help. I did not think that $1000 per month was too much to ask.
She blew up. “You said I could live here rent free! You signed an agreement!!” I acknowledged that we HAD come to that agreement ten years ago but that things have now changed. I reminded her that we have NEVER collected utilities as per the agreement. I did not bring up how I never saw my portion of the sale of the building. I have never thrown it in her face because my relationship with her was more important.. But now she is acting like I am a horrible daughter. (BTW…My sister and her have been estranged for years but recently have repaired their relationship. My sister still knows nothing about the Agreement. If I tell her at this stage, 25 years later, I’ll be opening a can of worms.)
I pointed out to mom that, if we sold the house today, she would no longer be entitled to anything. I asked her “Is that what you would like this to come to? If we cannot afford our home anymore, you would rather see us move out than pay us $1000 a month? You DO realize that this would mean you would have to start looking for another place to live, pay moving fees, and probably move into a place with some type of senior care which usually cost upwards of $5000 per month?”
Meanwhile, we are very good to her. It would take me pages to list the things we do for her. I kind of kick myself for not reminding her about how she ‘forgot’ to hand over 2/3 of the sale of my dad’s building. To be honest, I think she thought that we did not know about the signed agreement between her and dad.
AITA for going against our agreement and asking her to help with the rent? She is now paying it monthly but I she thinks we are taking advantage of her. Should I re-open the discussion? I fear that I’m now the bad daughter and absent Libby is back—smelling of roses. Of course I am posting this anonymously—not to air my dirty laundry in public but because I TRULY don’t know if I am TA. I think a lot of people post on here, knowing that they are not TA but just wanting to vent. That is not my intention.
Thank you for your time.
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