AITA for telling my sister not to come to my wedding if she kept bringing up her miscarriage?
3 years ago my younger sister Jen had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. She and her partner Scott were devastated. I was there for them as much as I could be but it was a tough time for them.
A few months later Scott left Jen: Jen said it was because of the miscarriage. Her and Scott had a close knit group of friends and I found it odd no one has checked on her so I rang her best friend to suggest a girls night. She told me the reason they had broke up: Jen had slept with someone else. When he confronted her she blamed the miscarriage.
9 months ago I got engaged and asked Jen to be my MoH. At our engagement party Jen became inconsolable at seeing our friends baby. Everyone’s focus – including mine – was on Jen all night. I wasn’t upset with her: I figured that she was imagining what all these big family events would be like with a baby so I gave her grace.
Since then anything to do with the wedding, she brings up her miscarriage – but only at events related to my wedding. I asked her to help me pick flowers and she lost it when she saw baby blue roses (she’s convinced she was having a boy) and we had to leave.
When we went wedding dress shopping and she picked out a maternity bridesmaid dress and asked to try it on so that she could see how she would have looked. When she did that I thought “she’s actually lost it” and had to walk away when she started stuffing a cushion up her dress. I have tried to talk to her about going to counselling again but she is insisting this is a normal part of the grieving process.
She planned my hen party: which I was so grateful for but I found out after she’d sent everyone a list of rules which included no talking about pregnancy or kids; no wearing baby blue, etc etc. I confronted her but I was gentle about it: I suggested counselling again and said I was there for her but also that if she wanted to impose any other “rules” on anything to do with my wedding she had to come to me first.
It all came to a head when one of my friends and bridesmaids announced she was pregnant (she will be 7 months at the wedding). After the announcement Jen called her and said it would be best if she didn’t come because she couldn’t “maintain her peace” if she was forced to be reminded of the loss of her child. I LOST it when I found out and said she was using her miscarriage to get attention and if she made one more demand, or made a single comment about it at anything wedding related she was uninvited and in either case she is no longer my MoH.
Since then, Jen has told everyone I’ve dumped her from the wedding for being too upset about the loss of her baby. In retaliation and have told everyone and anyone who will listen the real reason her and Scott broke up.
Half our friends and family think I’m an asshole, half think she is. I’m still horrifically angry: and stuck in a place where I’m not sure if I’m rightly angry or if I should be more understanding.
AITA?
***Edit***
a couple of people have said I went too far telling people about the reasons why she broke up with Scott. And I can take that: but just for context I had a multiple people reach out to me, who she had spoken to first. Each essentially said I was being a b**** for dumping her from the wedding for having a miscarriage and said something along the lines of “she’s lost her partner and her sister because she lost her baby”.
I felt I needed to correct them that she actually lost neither of us, because if the miscarriage, she lost us because of her actions since and her blaming the miscarriage is part of a pattern of behaviour. (I didn’t go into details: just said “actually she lost Scott because she cheated on him, and she lost me because she uninvited one of my bridesmaids, without my knowing because she is pregnant)
I was upset and hurt that they were saying this to me; and also that she wanted everyone to think I was the sort of person who would dump my sister because she lost a baby so I lashed out by telling them what actually happened with Scott. I suppose as a way to defend myself.
But again: if the consensus is that this was too far, I’ll accept that and take it on the chin.
***EDIT 2***
Thanks for the feedback everyone: someone mentioned the phrase “weaponised grief” and seeing that written down, that’s what it feels like. She clearly didn’t deal with her grief at the time she had the miscarriage, but I’m surprised that it’s presented itself now in the way that it has, now. Part of me wonders if she’s is seeing me get married and thinking it should have been her and Scott: perhaps her feelings of guilt over what she did, and not dealing with her grief have caused her to have some form of mental break?
I’m not sure: but I’m glad to see the consensus seems to be I was right to set the boundaries I did. This gives me some measure of peace as we get closer to the wedding, although if it comes to it and she is not there I will still be absolutely devastated.
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