“AITA for choosing my niece over my marriage?”
My sister and I grew up really close. When I was 25 I got married to my wife.
We both agreed from the start we didn’t want kids – it was a dealbreaker for both of us.
Three years after getting married, my sister had her daughter “Emma”. My sister was a single mom but seemed to be managing okay. My wife and I would visit occasionally but kept our distance since we’re childfree.
Last month my sister was in a severe car accident. She’s alive but has a traumatic brain injury and is in a facility. Doctors say she’ll need years of care and may never be independent again.
Emma has no other family – my sister’s ex disappeared before Emma was born, our parents are dead, and my sister’s ex-husband’s family say they want nothing to do with her.
Social services contacted me as next of kin. They said Emma either comes to me or goes into foster care. I’ve spent the last few weeks agonizing over this but I can’t let my niece go into the system.
I told my wife I’m going to take guardianship of Emma. I said I understand this isn’t what we signed up for and if she wants a divorce I won’t fight it. She’s furious. Says I’m choosing a kid over our marriage and that I’m breaking our agreement. That Emma isn’t my responsibility and my sister should’ve had better planning.
I get that we had an agreement but this is my 7 year old niece who just lost her mom. I can’t abandon her. My wife has moved into our guest room and is barely speaking to me. Her family is calling me TA for going back on my word. But what else am I supposed to do? AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
SwitchWide9406
NTA life happens and sometimes things have to change. You aren’t doing this because you’ve changed your mind on being childfree. You’re doing it because your severely traumatized niece has no one else if you don’t. I can understand your wife being upset at the hand you all have been dealt, but her lack of compassion for your niece is disturbing.
LipLockVixen
Not gonna lie dude, this really sucks for everyone involved. But IMO, u ain’t the jerk here. Life threw u a massive curve ball n’ it’s not something u can just dodge. Ur niece needs u man, she’s fam. Ofc, it ain’t gonna be easy n’ ur wife has every right to feel betrayed. But sometimes, the right thing to do isn’t always the easiest. She may not be ur kid but she’s ur blood.
Old-Recording4805
NTA. Under normal circumstances you would’ve kept your deal. This is unexpected. How uncaring of your wife. Not only is your niece grieving the mother she knew but you are grieving your sister as well. Has she no compassion?
silentspectator27
NTA, you didn`t technically have a kid, this happened and you stepped up because of family. I understand how your wife feels about kids, but this kid is part of your family. You did what you believe is right, follow that feeling.
Meatball_Kid
You are not a jerk, you are a hero! You did not choose your niece over your marriage. If your wife feels that way then I guess she is deciding it is over and that is sad. At the same time, do you really want to be with someone who would say that, with this tragic scenario? My best wishes for your sister and her recovery. Now go be your niece’s hero and rock of stability, that’s who you really are, not a jerk.
JewelerSea6090
NTA. This is an emergency situation. The fact that your wife can’t recognize that is sad. She would rather your neice go into the system when she has family that can support her during this time is selfish. She doesn’t want kids, fine. But she can’t dictate your decision and actions. Raising a 7-year-old is a lot different than a newborn.
Also, make sure you get your niece into therapy. This is a traumatic life upset to her (especially more so if she knows your wife is against her). Make sure your neice believes that she is your priority and not the cause of difficulties between you and your wife. She doesn’t need that guilt on top of everything else.
beejaye11
NTA. You are being compassionate and loving to a child, whereas your wife is being heartless, selfish and uncaring. You are doing what almost anyone in your situation would do, which is to take in a child relative in need.
Since your wife can’t seem to grasp the concept that it’s not all about her, or the promise you made to each other about not having kids—it’s taking on the responsibility of someone who has no one else and no place else to go. Let your wife be mad, but, the bottom line is for you to divorce and each go your separate ways.
The last thing your niece needs is a wicked stepmother. Let your wife go and be alone to do her own thing because if she is so heartless and uncaring, she will not be a positive influence on the child.
Wattaday
I myself couldn’t stay with a partner who would put my niece, my blood, into foster care if there was no other family to take her in. Your wife sounds like a very callous person to throw a child who has just lost her mom into foster care.
Yes, I realize mom is still alive, but with a traumatic brain injury who knows if she is still “there” enough to even know who the niece is. OP you are your niece’s hero. And you sister’s too. Wishes for a good and happy life. NTA.
