AITA – Boundaries are a hard concept, Intimacy pressure
I (34 F) had been seeing my partner (37 M) for about 2 months, and “official” for 2 weeks. Things moved a lot faster than I typically would like to move, and he was at my place 5/7 nights.
This past Thursday he was over, we were watching the UGA vs Ole Miss game (go dawgs) and he started initiating with kisses and touching my boobs. I did not remove focus from the game. For reference I am a big football fan (UGA and Houston Texans), he also did this previously during a Texans game. To get him to leave me alone I started pleasing him (all while watching the game still). He asked for lube and a towel and I reached into my night stand to get it, I hit my finger (I broke my finger less than a week before and I am only on Tylenol for it) and it obviously hurt and I got upset. He felt bad and called himself an ass for having me do this with my hurt finger. Okay, yay glad he finally realized that. I also was on the second day of my period, so I was really not in any mood for it.
The following day, we were watching Jeopardy while laying in bed. We bonded over all kinds of trivia, so this was a nice fun activity. After the night before I thought he knew to not try anything, but I was wrong. He started touching my boobs again. I am one who is not overly sensitive there so I did not care if it made him happy he could do it. He shortly after grabbed my hand and put it on his wood. I pulled away and said “babe stop”. He said, “okay, I’ll be a good boy”. He in fact was not going to be a good boy because then he started to try to make out and kiss my neck and touch my boobs. He was trying to turn me on. I stopped him and said “I do not want to feel pressured”. He backed up quickly, put his hand to his head and I did not hear a word from him the rest of the night. I asked what he was thinking about, what was wrong and I got a head shake “no/nothing”. I rolled over and cried while he fell asleep. He woke up like nothing happened and I, of course, was reserved. I said I was okay because I needed to process what happened and if I was over reacting before talking about it with him.
Later that day he asked if we were going to hang out the following day. I asked if I could let him know in the morning because I was feeling overwhelmed and just wanted some space and have a me day. He definitely did not know how to handle that. He said he knew I was upset earlier and why I didn’t say anything and why I lied. I just reiterated that I needed to process my thoughts. The next day he came on strong trying to talk it through over text and I politely said I need some time and space and the next time we hang out we would talk it through. He kept pushing for more and then said he will get angry if this keeps going like this. I stopped responding so I could have my space.
Later that day, he asked if we don’t say goodnight anymore, so I replied good night. He didn’t like that and got mad that if he didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have. He said it seemed like I don’t care, and that our definitions of space ad caring are different. He said that this didn’t seem like space to him, and my passive aggressive ass said, “To me it doesn’t either because I am not really getting the space I asked for”. I repeated that I do not want to have this conversation over text and we will talk when we see each other. He came back rude and that we don’t see things the same “it is what it is”. Again reminded him we will talk in person, not text, and he kept going. I let it go for the night. This was when I decided I wanted to end it. I did not like this escalation over asking for one day of space. I also starting thinking about past interactions and saw a theme I did not like this early on.
This morning I woke up and said we can meet today to talk after work if he wants. He asked if I still liked him, I said I care and that is why I want to talk in person. He didn’t like that and said it is not a nice feeling. Saying “I do not know how we got to this place, are we like not together or?”. I again replied, “I do not want to talk through it over text, that’s why I asked to talk in person. We can talk after work”. He said, “Nah fuck that, If that’s your answer.” “Thanks though”.
What did I do wrong here, am I the asshole?
For additional reference:
– I had been single for 7 years before this, and I have lived alone in my own condo for 5 years. He also had been single for a while.
– Our “first time” I was also pressured into it, now looking back on it. I had a cold sore and did not want to give it to him so I said we have to be good. I stopped him many times saying I do not want our first time to be like that where we could not even kiss but he kept going to get me turned on. I am aware I could have stopped it. I am not claiming assault, just pressure.
– There were many times I felt pressured to either have him come over or stay and be intimate. With fear of being a prude or not a good girlfriend, which all could be in my head. However with this reaction I fear I was probably correct.
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