AITA for not wanting my mom to come visit me in Nevada because she doesn’t respect boundaries?
I (22) moved to Nevada recently, and my mom (from Texas) just told me she’s coming to visit—without giving me a clear reason—and I’m really uncomfortable with it. I’m wondering if I’m the asshole for not wanting this visit to happen.
For background: my parents were never married. I lived with my dad my entire childhood. My mom has always bragged that all of her pregnancies were unplanned, and growing up she constantly promised to pick my twin sister and me up for weekends and then never showed. That hurt stuck with me for years. I eventually cut contact with her in 5th grade.
When I was a freshman in high school, I moved in with my grandma (my dad’s mom). I thought reconnecting with my mom might be good, so I moved in with her during the first semester of my sophomore year. That didn’t last long—she started taking money from my job, claiming I “owed” her. I moved back in with my grandma because I wasn’t going to tolerate that.
Later that same year, my dad passed away. My twin sister—who still had no contact with our mom—moved in with my grandparents and me. My mom tried to force contact, claiming that since we were 17 she had legal custody now that our dad was gone. She still talks badly about him to this day, which hurts because he was an amazing dad. Thankfully, we were old enough to choose where we lived, and we chose not to go with her. We cut contact again.
During the second semester of our senior year, my sister and I decided to invite her back into our lives since our dad wasn’t around anymore. That also went badly—she told people that her husband was our dad, which wasn’t true.
A bit later, when I started trade school, she co-signed a loan for me. After that, she told both me and my twin (who is now in the military) that she would never co-sign for anything again. Fine, whatever.
Here’s where things get messier. I told her I wanted to move to Nevada. She told me no—even though I was 21 and didn’t live with her. She told me I should move back to Texas because I “fit in” better (I still have a Texas accent). I asked if I could stay with her for two weeks just to get on my feet, and she said no. Now she claims she did offer me that opportunity, which is a lie.
So I moved to Nevada anyway—with my boyfriend, who’s from here (and yes, I pronounce Nevada correctly). She doesn’t. It irrationally annoys me, but that’s the least of my issues.
This past semester, I took a very heavy course load because I wanted to finish my associate’s degree in one year. She called me today and told me my school is a scam and that it’s “illegal” to take that many classes. Then she said she’s coming to Nevada because she “doesn’t believe me.” When I asked why she was coming or what she wanted to do, she wouldn’t give me a straight answer.
She also said she wants to meet my boyfriend again—he’s actually my fiancé, but she doesn’t know that—and she wants to meet his parents too. I don’t necessarily mind that, but the way she said it felt threatening, like she was asserting control rather than asking.
She’s also the type of mom who threatens to call my sister’s sergeant to force contact, and during this call she asked for my job’s phone number and my landlord’s contact information. That crossed a huge line for me.
I don’t mind seeing her in theory—but she has never respected boundaries, and her showing up without clear intentions makes me feel anxious and unsafe in my own space.
So… AITA for not wanting my mom to come visit me in Nevada and for wanting to set firm boundaries—or even refuse the visit entirely
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