AITAH for refusing to go back to my ex even though she is going to therapy and changed her behaviour?
I (42 M) have been with my ex-wife (41 F) for 22 years, married for 17. We have two children (16 M and 12 F).
My ex always had massive anger and trust issues that she had from being abused as a child and a teenager. Her parents are monsters, and I attest to this myself. Her mother insulted her frequently, both in private and in public. Since we got married, she has gone no-contact with her parents, but her childhood scars never healed. She used me as a punching bag, and I let it happen because I was operating under the idea that if I loved her enough, she would eventually heal.
She loves me, and I know it. But her version of love is twisted and harmful, and my tolerance has run its course. I suggested she should go to therapy several times but every time I did, she got abusive and told me that I needed therapy, not her. I am already in therapy, and I made progress on my own issues, but she continued to refuse until I finally broke up with her after she insulted me (for maybe the 1000th time). She knows exactly how to hurt me with insults, silent treatment, and withholding of sex. In the past 6 years we have not had sex more than ten times. She is also an expert in gaslighting. Her verbal abuse also extended to the children, though it was less severe.
When I broke up with her 8 months ago, she did a complete 180. She started therapy and apologized for everything she did to me and the kids over the years. She can hold a conversation now and takes accountability for her fuckups.
My son has also gone no-contact with her, not on my suggestion at all. He lives in my place now. She says the loss of us both made her see the reality of how arrogant and entitled she was, and that she is a different person now.
I am happy in my new place, and my nerves are calm and I can be myself. I am happier and calmer than I ever was in my life. Even though I see the progress she is making, I do not want to go back to her because I don’t want to waste any more of my life with her. She had so many opportunities to choose me over the years we’ve been together, but she refused and insisted on being abusive.
So, AITAH for refusing to reunite the family and choosing my own peace of mind instead?
Edit: My daughter seems to be really fine. She spends some time with me and some time with her mother and she is not showing any signs of distress. All her friends have broken up families, so, I am guessing, in a sense, now she has drama to talk about with them.
