“Boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years, with no end in sight to his marriage.”
Hi guys! I (26 F) have been with my boyfriend (33 M) for the last 5 years. We met on a dating app and from there we just clicked. When we first met after about 2-3 weeks of talking. I jokingly brought up that, as long he isn’t married, a serial killer, or predator then we should be fine (I have dated someone before who was in the middle of a nasty divorce before, it wasn’t going well and it cost us the relationship).
I know it sounds silly or even crazy to say something like this, that’s just my humor. But he did tell me he was married still and his wife is currently in another state, with their child. I knew from his dating profile that he had a kid, which wasn’t a deal breaker for me, but I wasn’t sure if he was divorced or just a long time relationship that ultimately ended.
I asked him if he was just going to go through divorce proceedings later or what his plan was. He told me he didn’t have a plan yet, because family court is a bit of a nightmare.
I ultimately decided to continue on with the relationship. We clicked, I felt sparks, and I was wanting more from the relationship and so was he. I met his kid and the wife within a few months afterward, because he would get his kid durning the summer.
That summer I started babysitting when he didn’t have anyone else that could watch them. I had 0 problems doing so, I love kids, and I was happy to do something small for my boyfriend in his time of need.
We had moved in together about 2 years ago. My boyfriend had taken a job about 2 1/2 years ago that required traveling. An emergency came up where we needed to take custody of his kid. My boyfriend was concerned about losing his job and I told him not to worry and I would handle taking care of his kid while he is out at work (boyfriend would be gone for 15 days and come back home for 7 days).
We had talks about him getting a divorce then but he was saying he couldn’t afford it yet, or it wasn’t a battle he is willing to do yet, or that he knows that his wife wouldn’t sign the divorce papers. Those talks ultimately got heated and he would get mad and frustrated, and simply he would refuse to talk about that issue further.
His traveling job, got him a very decent salary along with each job completion. So I was confused about the money portion, but I figured he already done research into this and he was crushed that he would need to save for a bigger retainer for a good divorce lawyer.
During that time. He bought a car, things to modify his car (his a big car guy), he got into a hobby of making wine and liquor, a HUGE TV, new XBox and PS5, video games, just to name a few that come to mind. I tried to bring up the divorce again and it was more explosive than the last.
All I had really asked was if he knew within a year or longer time frame. 1 year, 2 years, 5 years? That’s really was I was wondering about. He shut the conversation down and never spoke of it again.
Fast forward to now. He doesn’t travel anymore, has a similar wage to me now. His kid no longer lives with us, his wife pulled a stunt and we cannot get him back until summer. His car he had he dropped thousands on, hasn’t worked in the last 18 months and needs about $4-8 thousand in repairs.
We haven’t talked about a divorce for him since then, and I feel like we need to talk about it. I’m starting to get insecure that his colleagues know me as his wife, but I’m not his wife. How do I bring this up in a way that it doesn’t seem pushy or rude? I feel our relationship is just not moving forward, but at a standstill. I need advice… thank you for anything that comes my way.
This is what people had to say to OP:
joxx67 said:
He’s not getting a divorce and he will not be marrying you. He is playing you for a fool!
platypusandpibble said:
Sorry to say, but he doesn’t want to marry you. If he did he would have proceeded with the divorce years ago. He’s using you. Break up. You might want to spend some time alone, and probably in therapy, to figure out why you are ok with being used.
OP responded:
Not a bad idea on therapy, I’ll be looking into that. Never really thought of myself as someone who would be used, but now looking at it. This isn’t the first time.
marlada said:
No divorce, means no marriage for you. Move on and stop wasting your precious time with a man who does not put you first.
OP responded:
This isn’t the first time he hasnt put me first, sadly. Those were little things and now this is a biggest elephant in the room yet.
LauraPtown said:
He is not getting divorced.
said:
With all due respect, what is wrong with you ? So many red flags and you just keep digging in. Wake up.
OP responded:
Probably a lot. Someone recommended therapy and I’ll be looking into it for myself. See if I can find why I am the way I am. Why I think this is ok. All respect taken.
soihavetosay said:
He’s in your way.
Curious, when he came into all that money (that wasn’t enough for a divorce) and bought himself all of that stuff… did he spend any of it on you? Did he buy you anything significant or acknowledge your help watching his kid in any way?
OP responded:
Not really. Our first Christmas together I was asking him what he wanted and he asked me what I wanted. I told him I needed some new work clothes and then he just sent me the money to buy the clothes. For my birthday I told him I wanted some money to go toward something I wanted. he just sent me the full amount I needed to buy it. He sent me flowers once to my office. But that’s really been about it.
hot co co 16 said:
So the wife is ok with you being his girlfriend and taking care of their child? She knows you guys live together and everything? And she’s just ok with it? Do you guys talk?
OP responded:
He left her. She moved back to her home state with their child. She wanted to be with her family (it’s a state and city that they both grew up in but he hated because of how unsafe it was, he didn’t want to fight her on where child got to live). She knows about me, and he knows about her boyfriend. Wife and her boyfriend have a child together.
I tried to become friends or friendly with her, I don’t want to replace her as their child’s mom. Their child one day called me “mama” and I asked child if they wanted to call me that. Child said not really. I let child know they could call me whatever makes them comfortable, even if it was just my first name or a nickname. They gave me a nickname and that’s how I’m referred to at school when they lived with us.
