AITA for not involving myself in my one sided friendships’situationship
For background information:
So I have been friends with this girl for about a year (let’s call her Alice), and she had been in an exclusive situationship for about 5 months of us being friends. In July last year, we went to the clubs and her situationship, the guy (Blake), was there, where we caught him making out with another girl, she instantly pulled him aside and I gave her some privacy to let them sort things out. She decided after this incident to keep seeing him, which I supported because that is ultimately her decision, but fast forward a few weeks and he told her he had no feelings for her anymore and they just wanted to be friends. Now this is where the issue started.
That night I invited her to mine where I let her cry it all out and I gave her some advice, invited her to gym and go for walks to help her clear her mind and help her get over him. Now I know these things aren’t instantaneous and getting over someone you rlly like cen be difficult. So for about a month, I allowed her to just talk about it all the time, to let it out of her system and to be the support network she needed. However, from abt august onwards Blake started to involve himself in her life again, by bread crumbing, giving her a little bit attention one day and ignore her for a week, and despite my advice she became what I perceived as quite delusional, where from an outsiders point of view, it vecame clear he was just keeping her around in case he couldn’t find anyone better. However, she insisted he was in love with her and that he was the one, and this is where it all became out of hand.
Now to add some more backstory, I don’t think this girl has been a very good friend to me at all, sometimes she is great but she will intentionally make me feel left out. For example we would do smth together and then she would post the thing with a selfie of someone else who wasn’t even there on her story. She is one of the only one with a car and takes one of her friends in her car to go grocery shopping, (we live in college halls) and she would make me lug five bags of groceries back on the bus or walk. She would always invite herself over to mine, and I have not once gone to her dorm, she would make plans and then be like, we’ll just go to (my name). So I have always been cautious of her, no one is perfect, and I always just try to be the best friend I could be.
She began to shift the responsibility of the outcome of the situsnship onto me:
Suddenly she would message me everytime he snapped her, asking what should she say, what should she do. She’d make remarks that he wouldn’t approach her on night outs cuz I looked like a bitch and he was too scared to approach her because of me. One night out, which was almost tipping point for me: I was out with her and my bf, and Blake was out too, the whole time she was talking abt Blake and I was getting sick of it, my bf was out with his friends and I said I was going to look for him, one of my other friends offered to that they come with me to find him, it being such a busy place and Alice said no I can find him myself they aren’t coming and for me to let her know tho if I see Blake on the way; that whole night she spammed my phone while I was with my bf, if I had seen him anywhere, or to get pictures of the girls he was with. She would always message me, abt nothing but him, and if I didn’t respond within 5 minutes she’d blow up my phone with updates. She would invite herself to mine, just to talk abt it for hours. I never mind helping a friend, and I don’t mind a bit of gossip, but it became consuming, And i began to feel very invisible in this friendship, she would never ask abt me ever, not how my bf is or how i am, it was always abt her situationship. Now it’s important to note she never ever listened to my advice, she’d ask me, “what do i do here” or “what do you think” and she would do the complete opposite. I have a history of being a therapist friend, so i often find giving advice fulfilling if it is taken into consideration, but she doesn’t even reply to my advice, she would just spam me abt smth he said, or what position he snapped her, or he had been active 10mins ago but didn’t snap her back, or that on snap maps he wasn’t at his house, he was in the city so what was he doing, just constant him. Now despite him being clear he hadn’t had feelings for her since the instant, she kept telling me how in love he was with her, and that she wanted to have a conversation with him to see where his feelings stand. She tried to initiate this conversation every night with him for two months and every night ha had an excuse not to have this conversation, I was honest with her because I didn’t want her to get hurt, that he may just be using her and it might be time to move on, this being December, but she insisted on having this convo with him. They had a mini convo, before he was set to go to a music festival where she was worried he would cheat on her, and she asked “what are we” and he responded with “ I see nothing serious between us rn”, where until the official conversation happened, she spammed me on end, asking what does that even mean, like does rn just mean now, so there could be smth in the future. That type of delusion was what she filled my phone on end 25/8. Fast forward to after new tears, he finally gave in and said sure let’s have this convo, where it essentially went as followed: that he has no feelings for her, to which she messaged me saying well she wants to have another convo with him again to work out what they are. Now I’ve been very clear with the outsiders point of view that she is only getting herself hurt, he is telling her to her face how he feels and she will always take one word and shift the meaning, to which I have been trying to help for six months on end, but I feel like she is dragging me down with her.
For six months now, we haven’t talked abt anything else but him, and micro life updates on where he is, what he is doing, when he was last active. I have tried to change the topic or send a message abt smth that is happening in my life, and I never get a response more than “litterally” or “valid”. It has taken a massive toll on me, I’m so emotionally drained cuz it’s from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, asking me for advice then ignoring it or doing the opposite. It’s taken a toll on my relationship, cuz I share my emotions with my bf, but also when we are on dates and when I tell Alice I’m with my bf, she doesn’t respond and she’ll spam my phone the whole time I am out and it’s stressing both of us out and causing arguments. I want to also note, I barely ever talk abt my relationship to her as I empathise that she is having a rough time with guys, and the last thing I want to do is make her feel bad that I’m being treated well. However, some respect that I am out with my bf should allow a break from the spamming or at least an, enjoy.
AITA if I distance myself from this friend and stop responding? She has lots of other friends, she does the same too, but I would feel guilty for making her go through it herself. Is it wrong for me to assume that she could’ve been hurt once and then chosen to move on and get better, but instead she is putting herself in positions to keep getting hurt. Don’t get me wrong I feel bad for her, but I feel it has gone too far.
