AITAH for wanting my ex-wife to pay rent or move out, even though it will force a custody change?
I’m a 44(M) and I am divorced from Ally (43F). We were together over 17 years total, and we’ve been divorced a little over two years now.
Ally and I divorced because she thought I was having an affair which I wasn’t. She believed I was being secretive and that staying out late meant I was seeing someone else, In reality I was being secretive because of my job.. I’ve always been required to protect customer information. That was never new or unexpected. I was also staying out later because my dad was seriously sick at the same time my mom is chronically ill. I was juggling work, family, and caregiving… life meant long days and late nights.
Ally ended up hiring a private investigator to follow me, and they found nothing, because there was nothing to find. I only found out because I saw the bill. As you can expect, the trust was completely gone and the marriage didn’t survive it. Did I try? Not hard, no. I just felt betrayal.
We have two kids together, both teens (between 13–18) who we had before we were married. They attend a local school system that is truly phenomenal. Our youngest has an IEP for reading, and the level of support they get there has made a huge difference. Keeping the kids in these schools has always been a top priority for both of us regardless of where we were stood as a couple.
The problem is that the area we live in is extremely expensive. I honestly don’t know any single person who can afford to live here alone without roommates or a partner. I’m sure they exist, I just don’t personally know any. Ally worked before but she was always low income, but now she chooses not to work.
We have 50/50 joint custody, and I pay a significant amount of child support. Three months ago the legal agreement regarding our former marital home ended. The house was originally owned by my parents, who are aging poorly due to health issues so they transferred ownership of both that house and the one I live in to me to get it out of the way.
Now here’s the conflict.. I want Ally to start paying rent for the home she’s living in. The rent I’m asking is still below market value, but it would be more than the child support I currently pay her. If I rented it to someone else, I could make a lot more honestly.
Ally and her new boyfriend, Jacoby, are expecting their first child together. They say they can’t afford to live in the area while also paying that rent. I told her about as calmly as I could that I can’t afford to support an entire second family long term.
Due to the court order, Ally can’t move away with the kids. If she relocates, it would have to be without them which is obviously apart of the overall issue.
She talked to the kids about all of this before looping me in. I wasn’t happy about that, but what’s done is done. The kids are understandably upset but what surprised me is that they’re more upset with her. They feel like she’s expecting me to continue paying for her life, her boyfriend, and her new baby. I don’t even like they’re involved in this.
Ally has been trying to find another place, but anything affordable within an hour commute is either unavailable right now or has a long waitlist. She told me that if she has to move farther away, I’ll need to have the kids most of the time because of school, and she’ll take them on weekends. I actually told her I’m fine with that because I want more time with them, what’s best for the them, and their education.
However, I also told her that if custody changes we’ll need to go back to court to reevaluate child support. After hearing that, she completely lost it. She accused me of trying to punish her, control her life, and financially destroy her while she’s pregnant.
From my perspective, I’m already paying child support, I’ve been flexible, and I’m prioritizing the kids staying in their schools. I just don’t think it’s fair or sustainable for me to continue subsidizing my ex-wife’s housing while she builds a new family.
At the same time, I know that forcing this issue could drastically change her life, impact her relationship with the kids, and make me look like the bad guy.. especially given that she’s pregnant and housing is so hard to find.
So… AITAH for wanting my ex to either pay rent or move out, even knowing it could lead to a custody change and financial consequences for her?
Facebook
X.com
LinkedIn
Instagram
Pinterest
More
