“AITA for threatening to make my friend homeless?”

My husband and I have 4 kids: Eloise (12), Margot (9), Mateo (7), and James (4). Eloise and Mateo were adopted and Margot and James are our biological children. Eloise has special needs. She has autism, hearing loss in both ears, and a few other diagnoses. She receives daily PT, OT, and speech therapy at school.

Eloise’s biological aunt, Julia, is heavily involved in Eloise’s life. She picks Eloise up from school two days a week and takes her to the trampoline park or her favorite indoor playground or swimming. Eloise also spends one night a week at Julia’s house and Julia has a key to our house so she can drop in and see Eloise whenever she’s available.

Julia also brings Eloise lots and lots of gifts. They‘re always either clothes that meet her sensory needs and current interests, toys that manage to sneak PT and OT into play, toys for sensory play, or tools for self regulation (coloring books, new headphones, new water bottles, and chewable toys).

She usually brings something for the other kids but it’s typically much smaller, like a smaller coloring book and pack of crayons, a small box of play dough, or a theater box of candy for each kid. One of my friends, Alexa, and her 3 kids (10f, 6m, 5m) are living with us for 6 months while Alexa gets back on her feet following a divorce.

We split childcare for everyone but Eloise relatively evenly and agreed that the kids would be treated equally. Julia continues to visit Eloise and bring her new clothes and toys plus small gifts for the other kids (including Alexa’s kids) but the differences in the gifts and the amount of attention given to Eloise has been bothering Alexa.

She asked me to stop Julia from bringing Eloise such extravagant gifts, taking her out without the other kids, and take back her house key so she can’t visit as often. I told her that Julia is family and I don’t plan to change anything about her visits.

Alexa then went to Julia and told her to stop taking Eloise out without the other kids, stop bringing all of these expensive gifts without getting equal ones for the other kids, and suggested that Eloise would be happier if they spent more time at Julia’s house. Julia went to me and told me everything Alexa said.

When Alexa confirmed everything, I told her that if she pulled this crap again she will be out of my house and I will personally drop her kids off to her ex-husband. Alexa has profusely apologized but she is upset that I’m threatening to make her homeless and take her kids away. My husband thinks I might have been a little harsh but I wanted to know if I was TA.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Kip_Schtum wrote:

NTA. You told her already and she ignored you and went behind your back to try to change how your family works. She needed a wake up call.

Old-Bee_4773 wrote:

So I initially thought oh the other kids would be jealous and it’s a bit crappy of the aunt though Alexa is still well out of line. But Julie is Eloise’s biological aunt it’s actually pretty generous of her to bring anything for the other kids.

Not to mention giving you the ability to spend extra quality time with the other kiddos. Alexa is incredibly entitled and needs to be reminded that you are doing her a tremendous favour.

CestLaquoidarling wrote:

NTA. You already said no to her request and she escalated by going behind your back to Julie. You escalated appropriately by telling her the consequences of her actions if she continues. You did not kick her out and make her homeless you told her very firmly to stay in her own lane after your first no was disrespected.

It was kind of Julia to include her kids at all and it’s wild that she expects a stranger to provide better free gifts to her kids and to control how you run your household and who gets access to it.

Future-Turtle wrote:

NTA. What else needs to be said? She was getting jealous of your special needs child and you nipped it in the bud as any sane and good parent would do. Some people need a stark wake up call to realize their behavior is awful, and that’s just what you gave Alexa.

Ancillary to the original point, but a lot of times siblings to a child with severe special needs can feel neglected or resentful, so make sure that’s something you are proactively keeping an eye on.

nannylive wrote:

NTA. I am old and have seen a lot of ” helping a divorced friend out by letting her move in” situations go very badly. Get her out of your house.

The fact that your husband sided with her in this is not a good sign, and she has already proven that she will go behind your back and against your stated wishes to try manage your household to her liking. Her being homeless is not your doing. She made her life choices now you have to do them same.

MucinexDM_Max wrote:

NTA. The way I would mama bear out for my kiddo too, I get it. Honestly to hear this shit from another mom, from a mom friend, after your sister went out of her way to include her kids, is insane.

THAT SAID, make sure your friend is in some kind of therapy, and if she aplogizes and changes behavior, cut her some slack. Divorce really messes with people in a wide variety of ways, and she literally may be so lost in her hyper awareness of her own bullshit feelings she’s unaware how out of pocket she was.

FellowScriberia wrote:

Nope. NTA. Alexa is a guest in your home and she doesn’t get to dictate how your home is run nor take it upon herself to attempt to make changes.

NTA.