‘AITAH for not giving my daughter her college fund money?’
Asshole
I (54M) have two children (23F and 21M) with my wife (52F). When the kids were young, my parents set up education funds for both of them, which was very generous of them.
My wife and I always expected our kids to attend college and then graduate school, as we have done. I have a PhD, my wife has a master’s. Because of this, we decided not to use the funds for our kids’ undergrad degrees and did not tell them about the money.
My daughter has always been more into the liberal arts, while my son is more of a STEM guy. My wife and I worried about her ability to find a job, but she insisted on studying music and film in college. She was accepted to some top schools and chose to attend a rather expensive one, but she had scholarships to cover almost all of her tuition. Everything else, plus living expenses, was her responsibility. She lived in a very small apartment shared with friends in a not-so-nice area far from campus, but she was fine and learned how to budget effectively. After graduating, she luckily found a job that doesn’t pay extremely well but she enjoys, and scrapped the idea of grad school.
My son decided to do engineering, and he also expressed that he had no interest in grad school. My wife and I were disappointed, but accepted it since at this point he is already all set up with a very good job when he completes school. Since he did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, we decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses. He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school, which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work.
My daughter was confused and asked how he could afford this, and he told her about the education fund. She called us and asked why she didn’t have one, and we told her she did, we just didn’t use it because we hoped she would attend grad school. She seemed hurt by this and asked if there was any way she could have the money now. We explained that there would be a fee to simply withdraw the money for non-education uses, and if we chose to do that it would belong to her grandparents so they could put it towards their own use. She’s been quiet and short when answering our texts, and hasn’t answered our calls at all since then. I know that it seems unfair to her, but it’s not really her money in the first place and she’s no longer in college. Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn’t be right for her to just have it to spend now. AITA?
UPDATE: I understand the consensus is that my wife and I are the AH. I texted my daughter to ask if she wanted us to withdraw the money for her/what she wanted to do. This was her response: “I don’t care. Maybe they can transfer it to [other grandkid who is 5] if the fee is seriously too much. Idk about grad school I haven’t thought about it much recently. If I do apply it wouldn’t be for another couple years and I hadn’t been counting on having any financial help in the first place so it really doesn’t even matter. Thanks for asking tho.”
UPDATE 2: My wife and I are discussing our daughter’s response and our next actions to resolve this situation. For context, my wife has always had a strained relationship with my daughter and did not approve of many of her life choices. She believes we should take our daughter’s words at face value and assume she no longer wants the money. From some of the responses here, I fear that my daughter’s response was out of resentment and I suggested taking out as much money as her brother was given so at least they received the same amount. She could use it responsibly towards rent, groceries, transportation, etc. or in some other way to further her career, so it would still be for “educational” purposes in a sense. My wife is standing firm in her opinion, and we will continue talking it through tomorrow.
Many have asked about where my parents stand on this. At this point, they are not mentally aware enough to really participate in the discussion. They did know about our grad school stipulation and thought it was fine. They also knew that we took out some money for our son once we were certain he was not pursuing an advanced degree, and were fine with that as well. They said it was our decision as parents what to do with our daughter’s fund, and they would support whatever we decided for her. It wouldn’t be useful to ask them what to do with it now, but I have always said that whatever is unused will go back to their care. I have tried to call my daughter with no luck, which is why I sent the text. Despite what many have said here, I hope this does not end our relationship.
There were a mix of opinions in the comments, but it all added up to one conclusion. Sorry, OP’s daughter — you’re not getting that money (at least not all of it).
eccatameccata
NTA. My niece took a gap year because she didn’t want to go the traditional route. But in her senior year, she applied to colleges, was accepted, and had start date in the following year.
Parents gave her no help for the gap year and let her experience life as a high school graduate. When the date for orientation came the following year, she was very happy to go to college.
It was so easy because everything had been set up in her senior year and she just had to show up.
Smooth_Web2753
Called college funds for a reason. NTA
Electronic_Fox_6383
If it’s for college, it’s for college. If she chooses not to go, then you can decide what to do with it as it’s your money. It’s not her money. NTA
FawkesFire13
NTA: however may I offer a compromise? Give her a small amount to start a account of her own and perhaps fund a small vacation? It’s reasonable to me to want to take a short break after school and explore.
It’s not terribly uncommon to take a gap year in Europe. In that time also tell her she needs to find a part time job someplace before you give her any of that money. I’m only suggesting this because I can understand her logic of wanting to take time to figure out what she wants to do.
I’ve seen plenty of people rush themselves into college and end up switching majors because they don’t have a direction they want to go. Your daughter is aware enough to understand this.
Also INFO: does she have good grades? Have you had any problems with her before? If not then I don’t see any reason to not let her take a little time and offer a SMALL amount of that savings to take a vacation.
JudiesGarland
Hard agree that you shouldn’t hand over this bag just because.
However, I think it’s reasonable to give her a small amount to invest towards this time – maybe 10 grand – it can be easier to find and keep a job when you have a car, and it’s good practice for managing money later on.
(Also learning how much things cost and how fast money goes even and especially when it seems like a lot, important lesson.)
It’s great that you have, and also want to keep, this money for education/her future. I think it will help your relationship and also your daughter’s sense of independence if you are at least open to hearing another option.
if the only way she can invest this money in her future is through 4 year college, that could feel like she is trapped on that path, and that could turn into resentment towards you.
What if you set a time to re-evaluate? In a year maybe? Ask your daughter to think about how she would invest the money, if not in 4 year college.
If she comes up with a better idea, and is able to present a solid budget and plan, why not at least hear it? College is not the investment it used to be, and the world is changing fast.
Good luck! I hope you find a way forward that you are all happy with.
Proof-Butterscotch17
A 17 year old with 200 grand is definitely 100 per cent going to fritter that money away until there’s not one pence left then come crying to mummy and daddy dearest that she has no money for collage that she so desperately all of a sudden wants to go to.
She said it herself she wanted to get a job if she’s so desperate for a car she could pay for it herself. Don’t let her manipulate you into handing her one pound of that money she doesn’t want to do school she doesn’t get the cash simple as that.
ArtsySwan
Im thinking NTA. Now its the car but next it could be clothes, makeup, traveling.. 5 years later she is broke and without a plan
Hauntedyew
NTA. I actually really respect not forcing college on kids, it really effed me up. But the money you saved is solely for college, not for cars or nails or partying, and that’s that.
