“AITA for skipping Sunday dinners with my girlfriend’s family?”
Okay so I already know how this is gonna sound but hear me out. I’m 28M and I’ve been with Sienna (26F) for about a year. Maybe a bit longer, we were kind of on and off at the start so I never know how to count it. Things are good between us. Really good actually. Except for one thing. Her dad Neil (58M) hates my job.
I’m a farrier. For anyone who doesn’t know that means I do horse hoof care. Trimming, shoeing, the whole thing. It’s skilled work, I did a proper apprenticeship, and honestly I make decent money. Like genuinely decent. More than a lot of office jobs. Not that it matters but I feel like I have to say that.
Anyway Sienna’s family does Sunday dinners at her parents place in Galway. Big traditional thing, her mam cooks a roast, the whole family shows up. Nice in theory. Except every single time Neil makes comments about my job.
“So when are you getting a real career then?”
“Bit old to be playing with horses isn’t it?”
“Sienna’s last boyfriend worked in finance. Just saying.”
And everyone laughs. Every time. Like it’s this running joke.
I’ve talked to Sienna about it and she says he’s “just like that” and I need to “learn to take a joke.” But it doesn’t feel like a joke after the tenth time?? Or the twentieth??
Last Sunday he asked me if I’m “saving up to go back to school for something useful” and I just sat there and smiled because what else am I supposed to do. I told Sienna this week that I don’t want to go to Sunday dinner anymore.
At least not every week. She got really upset and said I’m making her choose between me and her family. But I’m not?? She can still go?? I just don’t want to sit there and get insulted over roast beef every weekend?? WIBTA if I actually stop going?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Hopeful-Artichoke449
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to stand up for you in front of her own family? Either she is weak or she agrees with him.
AcceptableResult1695
NTA and you wouldn’t be the asconaut even if you never went back. “Learn to take a joke” is what people say when they don’t want to address that someone’s being a jerk. If Neil’s comments were actually jokes, they’d be funny. They’re not. They’re just insults with a laugh track. Also the finance ex comparison is nasty. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
ImprovementBusy5683
NTA but your gf & her family are….she needs to check her family or you can do it but it would put a damper on Sunday dinner. Do not allow that man to disrespect u on a weekly basis while you sit there and smile, and no one that truly loves & cares about you would ask you to do that or allow it to happen. Maybe this isnt the relationship for you, the gf sounds like TA.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Original post was a few days ago about my girlfriend Sienna’s dad Neil constantly mocking my job as a farrier at Sunday dinners. I said I didn’t want to go anymore, Sienna accused me of making her choose between me and her family.
Well. Sunday happened. And I have an update. I decided to go one more time. Partly because of the comments telling me to stand up for myself instead of just avoiding it, and partly because Sienna begged me to “give it one more chance” and promised she’d say something if her dad started.
Spoiler: she did not say something. We get there, everything’s normal at first. Roast is cooking, her mom is lovely as always, her brother’s there with his wife. Nice enough.
Then Neil walks in, sees me, and goes “ah the horse whisperer is back. Sienna said you almost didn’t come. Finally realised you need a real job to afford a woman like her?”
I didn’t laugh this time. I just looked at him and said “Neil, I make €74,000 a year. I own my own business. I have clients across three counties who trust me with animals worth more than your car. What exactly about that isn’t real to you?”
His face went red. Sienna’s mam was frozen with a serving spoon in her hand. Her brother actually snorted into his drink. Neil said “no need to get defensive, it’s just a bit of craic.” (craic: enjoyable social activity; a good time.)
I said “it’s not craic when it’s every single week for a year. It’s just insulting. And I’m done laughing along.”
Dinner was awkward. Very quiet. Neil didn’t say another word to me the whole meal. Sienna kept giving me looks like I’d done something wrong.
In the car home she exploded. Said I “humiliated” her father. That I “made everyone uncomfortable.” That I should have “handled it privately” instead of “showing off” about my salary.
I said I’ve been handling it privately for a year and nothing changed. I said she promised she’d back me up and she didn’t. I said I’m not apologising for defending myself. She’s been cold since. Sleeping on her side of the bed. One word answers. I think she’s waiting for me to apologise.
I’m not going to.
I don’t know where we go from here. I love her. But I’m starting to realise she might never have my back against her family. And I don’t know if I can live like that.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Public_Parsley575
He does this to EVERYONE. The sister-in-law stopped coming for YEARS because of it. Sienna watched this happen. Sienna KNOWS her father drives people away with his “jokes.” And she still told you to learn to take it.
That means she made a choice. She decided her father’s right to mock people is more important than her partner’s dignity. She decided keeping the peace with daddy matters more than standing up for you.
Original_Science_660Â (OP)
After dinner, when Sienna was in the bathroom, her brother Cillian pulled me aside. I thought he was going to have a go at me too. Instead he shook my hand and said “about freaking time someone shut him up.”
He told me Neil does this to everyone. Did it to Cillian’s wife for years about her being a hairdresser until she stopped coming to dinners entirely. She only started again after they had kids and she “had to.”
He said the whole family just lets Neil be Neil because “that’s how he’s always been.” So it’s not just me. It’s a pattern. And Sienna knows. She’s watched her dad do this to her own sister-in-law and she still told me to “learn to take a joke.”
I keep thinking about what Cillian’s wife went through. Years of mockery until she opted out, and even then she only came back because of the kids. Is that my future? Just tolerating abuse because “that’s how he is”? I don’t know if this is fixable. I don’t know if Sienna even sees the problem. And that might be the bigger issue.
lucyintheskywdicks
It doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.
