AITA?
I’m 21 years old and have been with my husband for 3 years.
I got pregnant at 18 and wanted an abortion, but my mother wouldn’t allow it. Because of that, I struggled to bond with my first child. I tried to do everything I could after she was born—faking it for family, hoping real feelings would eventually come—but they never did.
When my first baby was around 6 months old, I got pregnant again right before I was supposed to get my tubes tied. My husband begged me to keep the pregnancy, so I did. When my second baby was born, I immediately felt different. All the feelings I didn’t have with my first showed up instantly with my second. It made things with my older child even harder.
I had terrible postpartum depression with my first, and medication never helped. After having my second, I was overwhelmed. I cried to the nurse because I didn’t want to go home. She asked which baby I meant, and I explained I had a toddler at home I didn’t want to return to. She told me it might get better and that it could be normal.
Months went by and everything got worse. I started having constant violent thoughts and genuinely started to hate being around my first child. I avoided her as much as possible because I was terrified I would hurt her. I finally told my doctor, and he just kept increasing my antidepressants even though nothing worked. He eventually called CPS. They were only concerned about my first child, not my second.
CPS pushed me aggressively toward different medications and even suggested my husband might be abusive, which wasn’t true. They kept coming back, things got more stressful, and my feelings toward my first daughter got even worse. Eventually I told CPS I wanted her to go live with my mother. They told me they were planning to remove her anyway, so I made sure she went to someone familiar.
My mom later told me she felt the same way about me when I was young and that she always felt my first daughter was more like her child than mine, so she understood my feelings. For months after my daughter’s second birthday, I had been considering adoption. Even my mother-in-law said I “couldn’t do that” only because she didn’t want the child living with her.
No matter how much help I begged for, nothing worked. Eventually we signed the papers, my mother took custody, and I started doing much better emotionally.
But now I’m struggling with another issue: I honestly wish she had gone into foster care instead, because I don’t want contact. I don’t want her to know I’m her mom. I don’t want any lifelong attachment. It feels like she isn’t part of me at all. I hate saying this, but I’ve grown to resent her. I hold my other baby constantly and don’t want my two children to know about each other, touch each other, or speak to each other. I just want a simple life with the child I’m bonded to.
I wish I could explain this in a way that didn’t make me sound cruel, but I tried for two years, I really did. I was on the verge of suicide over it. I just want those ties cut so I can move on. I try to get through family events, but seeing her brings all the feelings back and I can’t handle it.
Facebook
X.com
LinkedIn
Instagram
Pinterest
More
