“AITA for wanting to sell my home and retire because my adult kids refuse to help out?”
My older kid (20/college Junior) just moved back from Uni and is attending off campus now. The other one (19) withdrew from Uni and moved back home this past Summer with zero goals or objectives, but, is working full time in the service industry and stays out a lot with friends and couch surfs often.
They each make their own car payments ($265/$279/we are consigners on the loans), they pay $40 each for their cell phones (family plan) and one pays $20 towards the water bill, the other $20 towards electricity.
However, neither of them is self motivated to clean up after themselves or do chores. They were raised with structure, rules and responsibilities yet, they only clean up when it’s absolutely necessary, or, when they are directly asked too. (Their primary bathroom, dishes in sink, pet care, etc.)
And forget any assistance with the outside of the home. We pay someone to cut the grass and take out the trash ourselves because they literally don’t seem to know how to drag the can curbside. This makes us feel utterly exhausted. Having to tell adults who were raised doing chores, to actually do basic chores is a level of stress I could have never anticipated.
Hubs and I have started a serious discussion about selling our house because we already have a second home that is smaller and out of the state we live in. We want to move on with retirement and end the constant frustration, plus, the added expenses that comes from maintaining a larger home.
Family thinks we would be ‘abandoning’ our kids in tough economic times but none of them has an answer for dealing with the laziness or ungratefulness we endure every day. Are we the jerks for wanting to finally unload our primary home and move on which would force our adult kids to manage on their own?
Edit to include: -We have TWO DAUGHTERS Comments refer to us having sons, nope, should have clarified earlier -I’m mid 50’s/hubs mid 60’s -Older one had been moved out for two years but asked to move back so they wouldn’t have to pay $$$ or live with three or four roommates -MIL is 89 and lives in an assisted living facility nearby but is very happy and doing well; wouldn’t want to displace her.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
queen_surly
Good lord, no. They have jobs, and they have shown they can be responsible about things they care about. Tell them to start saving money toward first/last/deposit, and start prepping your house for the market.
You didn’t mention your ages, but if you are “exhausted” by taking care of an average home, please go get checked out medically. I started feeling like that in my early ’60’s and was beating myself up over gaining weight and getting out of shape–turns out one of my heart valves was failing!
roxywalker (OP)
I think I’m more mentally exhausted than anything else, but, the constant cleaning and pet care is a bit much and moving permanently to our smaller home would curb a lot of that. —I’m scheduled for an physical next week so I’m not ruling anything out!
CodUnlikely2052
NTA but have you sat the kids down to discuss your concerns and your desire to move/downsize?
roxywalker (OP)
Yes. They know we have been on the cusp of moving as soon as we got the second property. Strangely, instead of that making them feel motivated to be more responsible, or, even just appreciative of having a home to continue to live in, rent free, they actually got more surly in regards to their dispositions towards us. I think we are more disappointed in their attitudes than anything else. 🙁
Dennisdmenace5
I love it! Parents run away from home…more at 11. Just DO it.
Unfair_Feedback_2531
You own 2 houses? Sure, move to smaller one and sell larger one. Save some if the money and travel with the rest. Do whatever you want with $$$ while you can. Remember: spend your children’s inheritance! Enjoy.
Tazmosis85
Its harder to get your life started than it was 30 years ago, but they dont seem like they’re trying, so its time to push them out of the nest. Maybe start with suggesting they get a place together. Part of being a parent is preparing your kids to become adults, that means a bit of tough love on occasion.
roxywalker (OP)
We’ve had early versions of this talk; especially when the younger one wasn’t exactly flourishing at Uni last year. It was inevitable that they would be returning and the older one has been on standby with that but asked to live back because they didn’t want to pay rent or live with four or five roommates for Junior year.
No_Interview_2481
You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with your children. If they’re going to act like children, then they need to be treated like children. If they want to act like adults, they need to take on responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is living on their own with a full-time job.
Later OP came back and updated the post with this:
• We decided not list the house for the foreseeable future, but have it on the back burner…for now. Our older child is in the home stretch with Uni and doing well and the younger one is just too emotionally immature enough to manage.
• For the younger one we are setting deadlines for Community College (or even certificate programs) and reinforcing house rules for chores and standing firm.
• I’ve relocated an indoor camera so in our absence, when we are at our other home, the kitchen/living room/pets aren’t left to their own devices. No spying, just changing the angle to make sure the house is up to par and a simple adjustment with more verbal communication should make our returns smoother.
• I’m going back to basics and getting a new ‘chore board’ that they each have to check off with an erasable marker and they have to get back to writing down their weekly work schedules. This helps when rotating pet care and chores.
• Finally, I’ve scheduled family therapy. I think we will ALL benefit from hearing each other out in a neutral setting. We definitely need to work on better communication skills and having family meetings, (had those when they were younger, should have never stopped).
With that, we may be able to further assist the younger one who I believe has ADD, or, some other issue(s) that are impeding her ability to develop responsible behaviors and grow her emotional intelligence. Thank you all again. Feedback (good and critical) much appreciated.
