Here goes, sexless relationship with constant bickering over “what I should be doing”
according to how she thought everything should play out on any given day.
The background:
I am in a 20+ year relationship with my domestic partner (m/f, just unmarried) and have two children 8 and 9. We waited later in life to start a family we were both over 35. Both have good jobs. I payed for our home outright and both of our vehicles. My concession with regard to not getting married was I’ll cover the living expenses and my own retirement.
She works, and contributes 100% of her pay to her own retirement accounts ROTH and 401k with all additional income in excess of the maximum annual contribution limits being put into her professionally managed brokerage accounts.
Additionally she does some office work for me, maybe 4 hours a week for a $3,500 a month salary and banks or spends that however she chooses. (To be clear, I’m not a control freak)
Before my kids were school aged, I covered the cost for an at home nanny, and I paid for a maid …and continued to do so until she ultimately quit. (The clutter is non stop. When tables and countertops are cleared,  which is a rare event, all horizontal surfaces are piled up with things within 24 hours. The maid made a comment a few times before quitting)
The conflict: We are BUSY!
I live by the philosophy life is short, time goes by fast, and the window a parent has to spend time with their children is infinitely small. Kids aren’t really coming into their own until they are 4 or 5 years old… and us parents have until they are around 15 years old to spend time with them, encourage their passions and emotionally and financially support them as best possible. Once a kid is driving, or has friends that drive, a divide will start to form between parent and child, growing each year. At 18 many move away to college, and from there it’s their turn to career build, burn it at both ends maximizing every opportunity to amass a stable financial foundation for their life.
As such, my sons are allowed and encouraged to pursue any hobbies, sports or activity of their choosing. The sole rule is, “we finish what we start, we give maximum effort with as much genuine enthusiasm as possible” while participating in their chosen activities.  It is their choice if they want to continue any activity the following season at the completion of the present season.
Without going into too much detail, both of my sons are participants in the same two sports, however they each compete on competitive travel teams in “their sport” and on a recreational level in the other sport, at least as of this point in time.
This creates tension within our family as there are scheduling conflicts. Sometimes we take the divide and conquer approach. With each passing year, events get bigger and further away.
Whenever possible we try to attend activities as a family…. But increasingly, DP is feeling overwhelmed, and just wants to stay home. It crushes me to see my sons see other kids with the support of both parents when their mother chooses to stay home and nap. She will point out that not all the kids have both parents, but obviously not everyone has the luxury to present with works or other commitments.
She says she’s overwhelmed, and doesn’t want to be on the go all the time. But when she stays at home, it doesn’t seem to make her happy either.
Who is the A’hole?
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