“AITA for going off on my family for being the only one expected to assist with my parents’ medical care?”
I (26f) have been driving myself insane and have been worn down to the bone with stress from trying to juggle a full time job, finishing my undergraduate, manage my regular bills and weekend chores, and help my parents with whatever they need on a weekly basis.
My parents (mom 65 and dad 66) have been dealing with winding down their law firm after my dad was dealt a far more aggressive diagnosis of PSP after they finally ruled out Parkinson’s. (You can look up the diagnosis to see what it’s about).
On Thanksgiving, my Aunt Jolene (name changed for privacy) and my mom shared their grievances about how kids my age have no sense of obligation to their parents or elders, while giving some rather pointed looks at me.
My mom then went on to say that I was a shining example of that lack of care and I just lost it on her. I told them everything I’d been doing for them the past few months. I laid it all out. I asked them would they like me to give up all my other obligations and dreams and become a full-time caregiver for them?
Would they like me to quit my job and not give them the extra tax-free income, or do they want me to get a second job to give them more? My brother tried to interfere and say he didn’t drive 8 hours to hear us bicker, and I went off on him too because he gets to drive back home and away from all of it.
None of them were considering switching careers to bring in more money for my parents. Not one of them raised a finger to physically assist my parents, they didn’t send money to assist with his medical care, and they didn’t even offer their connections to try and help them find more resources.
All of them were happy to take so much assistance and expensive gifts from my parents over the years, like a place to stay when my aunt Jolene and aunt Miriam (changed for privacy) were struggling with their crummy marriages, new tvs and subscriptions, new computers and several free legal services from my dad as their tax attorney.
I’ve done all their errands every weekend throughout the semester and it takes up almost a whole day. I also assist them with getting dad into bed every night, make sure he can get up and down off the toilet so he can won’t make a mess, help make meals when I get home from work, etc…
I also was giving them money every month out of my paycheck to go towards his copays for all his doctor appointments, which include multiple visits a week for speech and physical therapy.
I monitor him when my mom’s not around, and I have to cook anything he wants in the kitchen because he runs the risk of getting injured if he uses the stove or tries to bend down to use the oven.
My mom refuses to get help from anyone outside the family for my dad yet: no caretaker or nurse aid, no other family member or a friend, no nothing. I am her therapist, her errand girl, her cook, the aid/monitor when she wants to go out or anything else. So AITA for getting mad on Thanksgiving at their differing expectations for me vs. themselves?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
HuhWelliNever
If you’re not doing anything, then don’t do anything. Drop the rope. Force them to hire help. Force your siblings to get involved financially and logistically. They don’t appreciate you. This stinks of black sheep. They will literally never see you. NTA.
badgermel17
NTA, not at all. If your parents can afford it, lining up home health aides would be useful for all of you. They are trained to lift and transfer people, and can help alleviate some of the emotional impacts of caregiving. As PSP progresses, it gets harder to do everything, and your dad may take out his frustrations on those trying to help him. I’m sorry you and your family are going through this.
Icy-Mixture-995
NTA. Preach it. Your siblings can step up. If parents can’t afford outside help daily or a few times a week, the siblings can chip in to pay their contribution as yours is in time and energy.
That_Old_Cat
NTA The fact your mother targeted you vs. other, normally absent, members of your family tells me while she expects all the work and care you’re putting in, she doesn’t appreciate it. Both of them are lawyers, yet they haven’t created a retirement fund? We’re they expecting to mooch off you until they died?
Your Mom is ungrateful and possibly a narcissist. Either that or she doesn’t like other choices in your life, and this is her way of lashing out. Time to stop spending your money on them. Time to find a new place to live. Time to set some hard boundaries and tell the rest of your family it’s their turn to step up. Time to start living your life for you. You deserve better.
Broad_Secret6793
NTA. When things have calmed, lay down everything (write it out!) That you do and ask where the ‘lack of care’ is. Ask why your brother isn’t held to the same standards. And then make plans to move out.
They can get outside help for your dad. You are being used (probably because you’re the daughter) and that’s not okay. Your parents are clearly in a tough situation but that does not make it okay for those frustrations to be taken out on you.
Maleficent_Ad_402
NTA I get that the situation wears you down. Unfortunately, it’s often the daughter having to pick up the care. The way you were raised, the expectations, your own feelings of responsibility. When it was that time for my family, it also fell on me to be the caretaker. Brother was out.
Took me 2.5 hours to drive to the parents, making sure they had food, house got cleaned, dealing with medical and bills. During the last three years, when it was really intense, brother showed up twice for 2 hours. Together. I heard about that Wonderboy for months, how wonderful it is he took the effort, etcetera etcetera etcetera..
That’s just the way it goes. Fighting this will not help you but just wear you down more. For me: I did what I could and then some and in hindsight I am glad. I can look into the mirror in the morning with less guilt.
