“AITA for ending a relationship over long showers?”
I don’t think I’m the AH, but my aunt and mom got in my head over the holidays and now I am questioning myself. Until early November I (28F) was in a long-term relationship with “Kevin” (30M).
We were together for about 18 months. He was planning to move in with me at the end of November when his lease was up. I own my own place, whereas he had a roommate who was recently engaged. Seemed like good timing all round.
Kevin was generally a good guy. Funny, charming, easy going. I thought I was in love. But a few weeks before he was supposed to move in, he made a weird off hand comment about my evening shower habits.
Now look, I know some people will find this crazy but it’s not as crazy as it seems. I have a glorious steam shower with a comfy bench. I take long ass steams before bed.
Usually 15 minutes to steam, 5 to 10 minutes (with the water on and off) to shower and wash my hair, and another 5 or so for skin care. I’m not hogging the only bathroom or the hot water. And I only do it after everything else is done for the day (work, chores, intimacy).
Anyway, the comment was that I would have to knock off things like that when I was living with him. Which, why? He said I was wasting time and needed to be more “present” when I lived with “a man.” Wtf? It’s 30-40 minutes. I can’t have 30-40 minutes to myself?
This lead to a longer argument about the various things about myself and life I would need to change before he would move in. Like I was doing him a favor letting him live with me rent free.
Many things themselves weren’t terrible: put my various skin care things away rather than leaving them on the shelf (fair), don’t leave so many shoes in the mudroom (they’re on a rack but whatever), stop the composting service (he wants to do it). But a few were non-starters: don’t have my brother (17) and his friends over “unsupervised” (by him!) and don’t volunteer at a local shelter that houses men.
It was wild. He had never shown any indication of being controlling before so I tried to talk to him about what he was thinking. He just said that moving in meant that “I was his and needed to act like it” (paraphrasing).
I said, then we weren’t moving in together as I am not anyone’s (less articulate than that) and asked him to leave. We had another conversation a day or so later, but neither of us budged so we mutually broke it off.
I was sad, but not devastated. Mostly completely confused and questioning my ability to see any red flags. There had to be some right?? I thought I made the right choice. My friends think I made the right choice. My baby brother also thinks I made the right choice (he may be influenced by my 3d printer).
But my mom and aunt think I made a huge mistake. It’s been a solid two weeks of you’re going to die alone! You’re selfish! You have to compromise in relationships! You can’t expect him to put up with your single girl schedules and habits! He was such a catch! I feel like my head is going to explode.
I thought my mom would at least care that he was cutting off free brother sitting when they travel, but no, she thinks my ex was right that my brother and his friends shouldn’t be in the house alone with a single woman at their age (I baby sat most of them when they were younger for Christ sakes!!).
Am I really unreasonable here? I’m driving myself nuts.
We are not getting back together. But was I an AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Important_Zombie_223
Aren’t you lucky he showed his true colours before he moved in?
Rugby-Angel9525
Dear god she dodged a bullet. NTA.
PSA: You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason.
Chon-Laney
I’d like to add, you sound like a catch, and you will not die alone.
ennuiacres
Happy Cake Day! Her mom & aunt’s reaction is wild: for sure she will meet someone better. And someone better will come along and she will not “die alone.” Glad she found out now. Evicting someone like that can be very difficult or even dangerous.
ThePythiaofApollo
OP, you’re going to die alone with… your steam shower in your own house with social life and good skin? Sign up literally every woman in here complaining about her terrible relationship for that hell!!! NTA.
Party-Giraffe-6573
NTA – abusive partners never start off showing their true colors right away. Someone trying to keep you from all men (even family) and from having time alone is ultra controlling. Be glad he didn’t move in and that you cut things off before they could escalate more.
phdoofus
You’re clearly asking the wrong question since you didn’t break up *because of* the long showers. The long showers simply exposed problems that you either ignore or weren’t aware of.
Equivalent_Lemon_319
Your mom and aunt freaking suck. This is what you call internalized misogyny. NTA.
Willing_Gene_7040
Totally agree. OP, did you suspect anything off about Kevin in those 18 months?
Throwaway_External (OP)
I swear I didn’t at the time. In retrospect, he did roll his eyes at some of my hobbies/activities but I thought at the time is was good natured. Like how how I make fun of my best friend’s shoe hoarding.
I love that for her but also will rib her about it. Apparently, his wasn’t good natured. My dad hated him which I should talk to him about to see if he saw something I ignored.
Imaginary_Chair_6958
Be glad that he showed you who he was. Lucky escape. Your mom and aunt are wrong.
