“AITA if I stop trying to communicate with an old friend going through a divorce?”

I (38f) have been friends with “Jane” (38f) since we were early teenagers. We were instant friends and until recent years kept in touch pretty regularly, seeing each other when possible (this was rare, but only because we didn’t live in the same place for most of the intervening years).

Over the past couple of years, she’s been going through what seems to be a difficult divorce, and yes they do have kids. I sympathize so much with her and have checked in on her periodically––not too much so as not to be overbearing, but enough so she knows I’m thinking of her and here for her if she ever does want to talk.

She has responded either not at all or with just a few words (e.g.: “How are you doing? I’m thinking of you” would receive “Terrible”). During the holiday season, I reached out to wish her happy holidays and say I know she’s busy and doesn’t need to reply, but of course I would have been really happy if she had chosen to reply anyway.

I mean, we’ve been friends for literally decades and it’s been hurting how she seems to be indicating that she doesn’t want me around even in the slightest (we’re talking a text every few months at this point). I’m hurt and sad, feeling a real loss. It makes me feel as if I’m just a deeply unlikeable person.

I don’t have tons of friends but I’m a reliable person who reaches out to others far more than others reach out to me. I’m not upset to be the one to reach out but when someone stops replying or barely replies, it does hurt.

AITA for considering just not trying anymore? I want to continue being sympathetic, but I have feelings, too, and my life hasn’t been perfect either (she wouldn’t know since she hasn’t really communicated with me for so long).

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

solemnisland wrote:

I don’t have any advice but I’m going through the same thing now with my oldest friend who lost her sister last year. She came into my work the other day (hadn’t talked in so long she didn’t know I was working there, total coincidence) and told me she’s getting married in a month.

Like damn you couldn’t even be bothered sending an update message about that? I said my piece later after a lot of thought over text, she replied a week later saying hers and I’m choosing to walk away from it all. I’m not going to stick around waiting for someone who has no room in their life for me. Fleetwood Mac said it best when they said “and if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again.”

OP responded:

So sorry for what you’re going through. That is so tough and hurtful!

hotheadnchicken wrote:

Don’t tell someone they don’t need to reply if you’re going to be hurt if they don’t reply. Don’t ask someone how they are when they are going through a rough time if getting the response “terrible” is not okay with you. Soft YTA for passive aggression. But N A H if you pull back – this relationship is not meeting your needs and it is fine to stop putting energy into it.

But I would remind you that she’s going through a long, slow personal disaster. Her lack of responsiveness likely has nothing to do with you and feelings towards you. By all means, stop putting effort in given that her lack of responsiveness (very reasonably) feels bad for you. But maybe leave the door open for her if she had bandwidth down the road.

OP responded:

Yeah I hear what you’re saying. I’m not including tons of details here for obvious reasons, but my examples might not be the greatest. But you’re right––she can say “terrible” or not reply when I say she doesn’t have to. That’s very true. I guess I shouldn’t expect more from her at this time.

But my overall point/feeling is that with all that understood, my feelings are still hurting from all the trying without any true response for years. Meanwhile, I’ve had a hard couple of years myself. For me, and perhaps not for her, it would have been so helpful to connect with her during the hard times I’ve had. Everyone is different, though, so if she needs to be more reclusive, then that’s okay for her.

Scenenational6303 wrote:

ESH. It is understandable that you would miss your friend and want to help her. And yes, a one-word text response of” terrible” is really off-putting and immature of Jane, when she could say ” thanks for thinking of me, I’m swamped and things are terrible right now and I can’t respond more the that.”

But Jane is not getting divorced AT you- it’s ok for you to not be top of mind right now when her family is imploding.

For you to jump from ” empathize with her” to ” her lack of response is making me feel like an unlikable person” seems like an unreasonable leap, and that is something you should reflect on; why does your friend’s lack of communication during her personal crisis make you feel rejected?

Why do you want your friend to spend energy she may not have right now in order to meet your needs? But where I really think you could do more as a friend is to stop with the texts and get with her face to face or voice to voice.

CONNECT with your dear friend who is struggling so much right now. If you live near enough, send a text that says something like” I’m going to go to breakfast at X diner on X day at X time, can I pick you up/meet me there? I’d love to see you.” If you are too far away to do this, FaceTime her.

Or call her ( text ahead to let her know in case there are time constraints for her, or custody hearings etc). Do not end a friendship you claim to care so much about based on your friend being too busy trying to stay afloat to respond fully to something a chat bot could have written.

Importantly: Do not do these things with the focus on your feelings and ” why haven’t you texted me back?/ aren’t I a good person?” Instead the focus is ” tell me how you’re doing and how things have been for you. I miss you”.

Then the ball is in her court. If she doesn’t respond or show up or answer the call, it doesn’t mean you’re not important to her – just that there are more improvement things right now for her and that isn’t an indictment of you or her. It just is. And you can move on knowing you did the best you could to reach out a hand, even if your friend wasn’t in a position to take it.

OP responded:

Thank you for this thoughtful advice. We don’t live close at all. Otherwise, I like your idea of trying something in person. You are absolutely correct that she’s not getting divorced at me. That’s a great way to phrase it. I know that intellectually and yet my feelings from trying over years now have become tough.

I know her lack of reply is likely not personal. It just sucks after decades of friendship and history. I think given that we can’t get together in person, it would make sense for me to cool it beyond the now-typical months between texts. Sad to possibly lose this long friendship, but I can’t force it either.

Calm_Researcher9172 wrote:

NTA, though I think you just need to take the hint and move on. She’s either not interested, or doesn’t have the mental capacity to try to maintain a the sort of friendship you want in her current situation. You do sound a bit clingy or needy to be honest.