Update: She tried to ‘apologize’ by messaging me ‘Im sorry for doing whatever I did that upset you.
‘ Well she knows 100% what she did and that is no apology at all. I told my son that she is not welcome back in my house, she can go back to where she moved out to. Thank you for all of your input and helping me realize I needed to stand my ground and not give in.
In October, my adult son, 28, my daughter in law, 29, of 8 years (married but not legally), their three children—an 8-year-old granddaughter who stays every other weekend, a 6-year-old granddaughter, and a 2-year-old grandson—and their two dogs moved into my home. I also have two dogs.
Before they moved in, we had a clear conversation about expectations. I told them I didn’t expect perfection, but I did expect the house not to be a disaster. We agreed that after cooking, they would rinse their dishes and leave them by the sink, (no dishes in the sink, my pet peeve) and I would load and unload the dishwasher. We also agreed they would clean up after themselves, pick up dog waste in the backyard weekly (they do one side and i do the other side) and keep common areas reasonably tidy. Because my backyard is small and there are four dogs total, dog waste needed to be picked up regularly so they didnt step in it and track it the house. At the time, my daughter-in-law has not been working, my son runs a side business. I work from home in an office downstairs.
Problems started almost immediately. I repeatedly had to ask them to clear the kitchen table, clean up dishes left in the sink or food left on the stove, and remove items left outside the front of the house from moving in. I had to remind my daughter-in-law multiple times to clean up the dog waste in the yard. These reminders were later characterized as “complaining” or “bitching.”
There were also safety concerns. They had installed a child-safety doorknob on the outside of their bedroom door so their two-year-old wouldn’t let the dogs out, but the child frequently let himself out of the room while his mother played video games. He would roam the house alone and then sit outside the locked bedroom door crying because he couldn’t get back in. I often had to leave my desk to intervene. I expressed that I didn’t think it was appropriate for a two-year-old to roam the house unsupervised, which was also received negatively.
During this time, I became increasingly concerned about my six-year-old granddaughter. She is a difficult, strong-willed child, and my son and daughter-in-law yell at her frequently. What stood out to me was that she is treated very differently from her younger brother. One day, while I was working, I overheard her tell her mother that she knew her mom loved her brother more than her. Her mother responded by saying ‘I have never said that not once in my life.’
The next morning, after my granddaughter was dropped off at school, I asked my daughter-in-law if we could talk. This was consistent with many past conversations we’d had about parenting struggles, that she had initiated, where I had always tried to be supportive and help her find solutions. I told her what I had overheard. She acknowledged she hadn’t handled it well, and we talked about ways she could help her daughter feel more secure.
Up until this point, my daughter-in-law and I had generally had a good relationship over the eight years she’s been with my son. She has told me I treated her better than her own mother did. I was aware she had spoken negatively about me to my other daughters, but I chose to ignore it. I’ve always tried to treat her like my own daughter while still being careful not to overstep. I have never automatically taken my son’s side and have avoided involving myself in their relationship unless advice was asked for.
In November, my daughter-in-law unexpectedly left my son. I stayed completely out of it. She was distant when she came to pick up belongings or drop off the kids, and I respected that. About a week later, she returned.
After she came back, tensions escalated. One weekend, I listened to my son and daughter-in-law yell at my six-year-old granddaughter constantly the whole weekend. On Sunday night around 9 p.m., overwhelmed and emotional, I came out of my room and yelled at them to stop screaming at her and to treat her better, expressing that her behavior was influenced by how differently she was treated from her brother.
That confrontation turned into criticism of me. They brought up my past parenting and said my son learned yelling from me. My daughter-in-law also claimed she REFUSED to clean because I only use natural cleaning products. This was not true. I no longer use natural cleaners, and before they moved in, I explicitly told her she could use whatever products she wanted except Fabuloso because strong scents trigger headaches for me. Not even sure how cleaning products were revelevant for what i had been asking them to do. She also said, ‘Did you ever think that maybe you’re the problem?’ I dont even understand what that was about.
After that argument, my daughter-in-law and I stopped speaking entirely. From that point on, nothing in the house was cleaned. No one swept, vacuumed, wiped counters, or cleaned the kitchen table they ate at. This caused me significant stress, as it is my home and we had clear agreements before they moved in.
My daughter-in-law left my son again a week later. Again after a week of being gone, began staying at the house. She was here for all but one night in 2 weeks. During that time, she stayed mostly in the bedroom and avoided any interaction with me, while still refusing to clean or participate in the household. And because of this I told my son that she needed to go back to where she lived. Of course she didnt…
The day after Christmas, I asked my son to please clean before they left for the weekend. The house was covered in toys, packaging, and mess from the holiday. I had explicitly asked them not to bring slime into my home, yet my daughter-in-law had bought my eight-year-old granddaughter a large slime kit. Slime was all over the kitchen table, and my two-year-old grandson had smeared some into the upstairs hallway carpet.
I also discovered that most of the dishes were missing. The dishes were in their room. they had the been eating in there because my daughter-in-law refused to leave the room to avoid me.
As they were walking out the door without rinsing any dishes they had brought down, I asked my son to come back in and rinse them. During that conversation, I told him his partner needed to return to her own home, as she had been staying there for two weeks despite not living there anymore, refusing to clean or communicate. I explained this was about respect and basic roommate expectations in my home. My son said that they had an agreement that he would clean up the downstairs because she did not want to have any interaction with me. I told him this was unreasonable and that if she wanted to live in my house again that she would also need to be responsible for cleaning up as well and not leave it all to my son.
My son responded by saying he would also move out. However, he cannot stay where she is living because, after their breakup, she spoke so negatively about him that he is not allowed to be there.
Am I the a’hole for expecting that if she wants to live in my house that she should be respectful of me and not lock herself in her room to avoid me, and not be responsible for anything that happens outside of the bedroom and leaving it all up to my son? Am I the a’hole for expecting my house to not be a disgusting mess? I feel like i’m not being an a’hole by even letting her be here after the way she had disrespected me. Am I an a’hole because I would like an apology for the way that she talked to me? I am more than willing to apologize for yelling at her and my son when I was upset.
Am I the A’hole?
