AITAH for telling my paternal grandparents on Christmas Day that my brother and I hate them for insulting our dead mom all the time?
My mom died when I (16f) was 5 and my brother (18m) was 7. Two and a half years after mom died our dad started dating our stepmother and he introduced us after they had been dating for six months and that meant it was three years after mom died. My grandparents around that time started saying mom was selfish and she was a bad mother because she hadn’t asked me and my brother or made us promise to love and accept a new mom. They blamed her for us not being happy about our stepmother at first, they blamed her because we said we didn’t want her to be our new mom (which is what our grandparents called her) and because dad then figured out a way for our stepmother to not take on the primary parent role and he gave us space to feel however we wanted about her.
He did admit one time that he hoped we would grow close enough to one day love her and consider her our bonus mom or second mom. But he never pushed for it and he never ever made us feel bad about it. Our stepmother kind of expected to take on the primary maternal or mom role since we lost our mom so young. It was an adjustment for her to be step and to be secondary in the way she would be if mom was alive and our parents were divorced. But she did settle into it eventually and things work fine.
But our grandparents consider it mom’s failing that we don’t accept our stepmother. Every time we see them we hear them make some kind of negative comment about mom. Usually my dad is out of the room when they happen but sometimes he’s there and he tells them to stop when he hears that stuff being said. One time my grandmother went on this crazy rant where she said mom was the ultimate selfish possessive baby mama who couldn’t stand the thought of her kids loving and being loved by another woman in a motherly way and didn’t set the markers for it to happen. She said mom should have died when we were babies so we had no memories and were free to move on without her and she could be a thing of the past like she was supposed to be because she was dead. Dad lost his shit with her that day and we didn’t see them for over a year until my grandmother apologized to dad. Me and my brother weren’t in the room so nobody knew we heard but we did.
Yesterday was the first time my brother wasn’t present for Christmas. He went to our mom’s family and my grandparents were going on and on about how surprised they were that he hadn’t come around and visited. They knew he wasn’t speaking to them and for like a year or two now they’ve picked up on the fact neither of us likes them. But his no show for Christmas sparked a ton of talk about it. Dad told them it was his choice and all that but they wouldn’t stop. Then they started focusing on the fact I look like I’d rather not be there and how hurtful it is because they love me like they love my brother and we treat them so unfairly. I got so mad when they said it was unfair and I told them the reason we hate them so much is because they keep insulting mom and I pointed out she’s our dead mom, not even a living person who can defend herself. I told her we lost all respect and like for them after that and the more they said the more we hated them.
My grandmother was speechless and my grandfather tried to argue back but dad told him not to say a word and he took me home. My stepmother stayed there for like an hour before she got back. Dad apologized for not doing better and he told me he never would have kept them around if he knew we could hear. Then my grandparents were calling and texting all afternoon and night. I think I can still hear dad’s phone ping with his text notifications. I know I was talked about and that they told dad I ought to be disciplined for speaking to them that way. I told my brother what happened and he said he wished he’d done it but he couldn’t stomach seeing them anymore.
AITAH?
