AITA for not wanting children with my husband?
I (32F) do not want to have children with my husband (33M).
I’ll try to keep this factual and as unemotional as possible.
I have a much younger brother — there is a 13+ year age gap between us. Due to family circumstances, a large part of the responsibility for him was placed on me when I was still young. Looking back now, I believe my mother was suffering from postpartum depression at that time. That period was emotionally very difficult for me and shaped how I view caregiving and responsibility.
I am now married. At the beginning of our relationship, things were good, as they often are. Over time, however, several situations made me seriously question whether I want to have a child with him.
- His views on mothers and newborns At one point, my husband said that a woman should prioritize her husband over the child. I partially agree in a general sense, but he specifically meant during the newborn period. He openly shamed women who focus “too much” on their babies and “forget about their husbands.” This deeply disturbed me.
- Aggression around hypothetical conversations Whenever I try to calmly talk or dream about what our life could look like if we had a child, these conversations trigger anger or aggression from him. He clearly dislikes them.
- His behavior during my serious illness and surgery A few years ago, I had a major lung surgery. I was hospitalized for about a month due to complications. To be fair, he did come to see me daily and provided some support. However, there were also incidents that I cannot forget.
One day he asked what to bring me. I sent him a list. When he arrived, I realized there was no toilet paper and asked him to quickly get some. He refused, shouted that he was “not my dog,” told me to go myself, yelled, and stormed out of the hospital angry.
I had undergone lung surgery and was experiencing severe shortness of breath. I went down to the store myself. On the way back, I could only climb two steps before breaking down crying. Hospital staff found me in that state and helped me back to my room.
When I was finally discharged home after a month, I discovered that he had not cleaned the apartment at all during that time. The bathroom, toilet, floors — everything was dusty and dirty. I physically could not clean: I had a ~20 cm incision across my chest and back, my torso muscles were cut, I had severe weakness, and lifting my arm was extremely difficult.
When I asked him to clean, he refused. When I insisted, he accused me of being selfish. He said he had suffered emotionally seeing me in that condition, and I had not considered how hard it was for him.
I ended up cleaning the apartment myself over several days. As a result, my stitches partially came apart.
Again, I want to be fair: he did comfort me at times, helped with wound care when asked, and was not absent. But all of this came together with these completely unnecessary, cruel conflicts.
I was also required to walk a lot after surgery to re-expand my lungs. If I lay down too long, I would choke on mucus. It was winter and snowy. I asked him to walk with me because I was afraid to go alone. He promised he would after work. When he came home, he said he was tired and refused.
I had no choice. If I didn’t walk, I wouldn’t sleep, the coughing worsened the pain, and I was no longer on strong painkillers due to adverse reactions — only NSAIDs. I was in significant pain. I went out alone at night, crying. It was my first time outside after the hospital, and I was terrified that I might collapse and no one would help me.
4. The sudden reversal about children At the beginning of our marriage, he emphasized that he was not ready for children. I accepted this, even though I wanted them.
After my surgery, I myself stopped wanting children and openly said so.
Suddenly, he changed his position and now strongly says he wants children. When relatives bring it up, he consistently presents me as the reason we don’t have kids. He complains to others, tells me I’m “at the age for it,” etc.
What hurts most is that when he didn’t want children, I always framed it publicly as a mutual decision and never exposed him to pressure from family.
At the same time, I have a growing feeling that, deep down, he may still not truly want children. From my perspective, talking about wanting them has become “safe” for him now — because he knows I won’t agree to it. This allows him to present himself as the one who wants a child, shift responsibility onto me, and redirect external pressure and attention away from himself and onto me.
When I explain these situations to him as reasons why I don’t want children with him, he gets offended. He says I overthink and overanalyze, that I don’t trust him, that I can’t know what kind of father he would be, and that in all these situations I was to blame, not him.
He insists he really wants a child and says he would take care of it.
But I am deeply afraid that during the postpartum period I would not receive real support from him, that all responsibility would fall on me, and that I would be left alone to handle everything.
So — AITA for not wanting children with my husband?
