For context, I, 49 yo, female and my husband, 42 yo, male have been married for over 10 years. The last few years, my husbands drinking has gone from a couple of beers on the weekend to getting blasted most nights of the week (sometimes before he comes home from work). He has a group of friends he works with who are alcoholics and do relatively minor drugs. His friends have serious relationship issues and have all lost their wives recently due to their poor choices. The guys all have flexible jobs, so there’s been many times they go day drinking or go out to the bar right after work. My husband recognizes his friends had problems, but hangs out with them anyway because he said they need a friend right now so they didn’t do something stupid. Well, stupid is as stupid does and my husband has developed a near alcoholism problem. His drinking causes him to come home and be chatty or…..yelling and screaming saying really awful things. There is no in-between. When he comes home, I wait to see what mood he’s in and act accordingly. Divorce is being considered. Anyway, because of this, I told him I would not be enabling his drinking. If he wants to drink, he needs to go to the store to buy it himself or get out of his chair and get it out of the refrigerator himself. I have poured out every bottle of alcohol in the house and other than what he brings home, our house is sober.

There was an incident recently where he was at his sisters house (without me) and he asked the kids to get him beers from the refrigerator. They’re too young to understand and his sister and her husband have no issue with their kids serving beers to my husband – or anyone else for that matter. Anyway, a few hours later, my husband came home blasted. The kids had been serving him beers one right after the other all afternoon. My husband drove home very drunk and barely made it. I was pretty upset on many levels. I called his sister, explained the problem, and asked her to not have the kids serve him alcohol and that she and her family were enabling this problem. Well, she listened for a couple of weeks and all was back to normal again.

You see, my husband is their entertainment. His family thinks he’s very funny and love to see him drunk and stupid. They make fun of him behind his back. When my husband is sober, he’s much quieter and asks them more about their own life. Not entertaining. And not fun in their mind.

A couple of months later, at a big family gathering, everyone is having fun. I’m having a really nice conversation with a family member I don’t see very often. My husband yells across the yard very loudly, “Hey wife, can you get me a couple of beers and bring them to me?” Everyone hears this. They don’t know my husband is having a problem with alcohol. They don’t know I’ve already told my husband on many occasions I won’t be getting his alcohol for him. My husband knows I’m going to be upset with his request, yet does this anyway. Everyone then turns and looks at me and expects me to get up and follow orders. Well, I did not. I kept talking to a family member and ignored his request. So then, sisters husband realizes I’m not getting up and pipes in, “Ya, get me one too.” Inside I want to scream, NO, Get up and get it yourself. All eyes are on me now. So I get up and walk towards where the beer is. Everyone is grinning like I was doing a good job. Instead, I walk past the beer and head to the bathroom. Afterward, I sit on the couch inside and play on my phone for awhile. About 30 minutes later, I casually walk back outside and everyone was very uncomfortable. One of the family members says, um, I can go get him a beer. I very politely and quitely said No dear, you are fine. He’s fine. If he wants a beer that badly, he can get up and get it himself. I will not be fetching his beer. If he wants a plate of food or anything non-alcholic, I’m happy to help. But I will not be getting him alcohol.

Well, sisters husband was completely pissed off. And as a petty thing, threw a hard foam football at me hitting me in the head. No apology. My husband said nothing. And then I see him smirking. I was fuming inside, but acted like everything was fine. I faked a phone call that I needed to pick up my son, told everyone goodbye, and left (we’d taken separate vehicles).

So my husband gets home and starts raging at me that I embarrassed him and that everyone thought I was being an AH. I calmly responded, I don’t have to explain my actions to them. You know that I will not be enabling your alcoholic behavior and I will not, even in front of family, fetch your beers or other alcohol.

Am I the AH?