“AITA for telling my kid that she is being self-centered/cruel because her mom won’t be able to make to her wedding?”

My daughter’s (28) wedding is tomorrow. The problem is that my wife’s dad is in the hospital. He has always been frail since he was moved into a home and it took a turn for the worse and now he is in the hospital. They don’t think he will make. My wife’s sister say it looks bad and she also isn’t coming up for the wedding anymore.

The original plan was for him to fly up for the wedding today ( with the help of my wife’s sister), but he was hospitalized yesterdays and he is just getting worse. My wife has been distraught and she made the decision to go fly down ( she is leaving tonight) .

It was tough decision because she will miss the wedding. I told her I will FaceTime her in for the ceremony and anything else but to go be with her dad before he dies. I also now she would be miserable if she was at the wedding to begin with. ( I doubt she would be able to put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay).

We called our daughter to explain and she did not take it well. She called her mom a lot of names. My wife has been crying since. She started to span both our phones. I got into another argument with her and I told her she is being self centered and cruel about mom not being able to make it. That her father is dying and all you care about is your big day. I didn’t raise her to not have any empathy.

She told me that wasn’t fair and I told her it was. I told her to apologize to her mother. She told me I shouldn’t come to the wedding if mom isn’t there. My wife is very distraught and I am suppose to drive her to the airport in a few hours. Are we in the wrong…my daughter 100% thinks we are in the wrong. My wife is distraught.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

teresajs wrote:

NTA. This is a difficult situation all around. I recommend you go to your daughter’s wedding. Your wife has her sister to comfort her if their Dad passes during the wedding day. You can join your wife after the wedding. If your daughter turns you away from her wedding, or chooses to not have you give her away, that is her choice. But, as a parent, it’s important that you show up.

coastalkid92 wrote:

I think this is a bit NAH. You got two massive life changing events competing with each other and its totally emotionally charged. And unfortunately, I do think no one is in the position to come out with a happy solution. Most adult children who have a healthy, happy relationship with their parents imagine them being there for their wedding.

And I’d argue that this can be especially true for mothers and daughters. For you to chalk it up to her being self centred about an event that is about her and one she has been looking forward to for a long time doesn’t acknowledge the hurt your daughter must be feeling about this. Even if she is being irrational and mean with the name calling.

Your wife is stuck between a rock and a hard place in supporting her daughter in a big life moment and her father passing away. And she probably would have been feeling that way even if your daughter had handled this perfectly.

There will potentially be even more fall out if your FIL doesn’t pass away in the short term because it will fuel your daughter’s feelings that her mother should have found a way to be there. If your FIL’s care team thinks he will make it another few days, then I would have your wife fly out immediately after the ceremony rather than going tonight.

Edit to add: you also have mentioned in a comment that your FIL does have a good relationship with your daughter, so you also have to consider that this is a hard situation for her as well. She, like your wife, is having one of the best and worst moments of her life concurrently.

character-parfait-42 wrote:

I would clarify for your daughter that she is right, that it isn’t fair. It’s not fair for her whose mom is going to miss her wedding, and that sucks. It’s not fair to grandpa, it’s not like he chose this moment to be dying, and that sucks.

It’s not fair to your wife who was so happy and excited to see her daughter get married but now instead of that happiness she plans to be grieving her father, and that sucks. It is unfair, but that doesn’t mean anybody is at fault. Sometimes the universe is just unfair.

Aidyn_the_grey wrote:

Just be prepared to have, at most, a limited and strained relationship with your daughter once this all blows over, if any at all. As for a judgment, I have no idea. Your daughter has every right to be upset that your wife won’t make it to her big day. Your wife is upset because her father is dying. You seem to be prioritizing your wife’s feelings over your daughter’s, which it is what it is there.

I will say, out of everyone involved, arguably you are composing yourself the worst, simply because both your wife and daughter have a right to be upset and you’ve just resulted to insulting your daughter. I think I am gonna go a very tentative NAH simply because emotions are high. Just know, you and your wife risk losing both your FIL and your Daughter all at once.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

EDIT: I don’t get why some of you are acting like she is flying out get lunch. He is dying, she wants to see him one last time before he is deceased. Multiple asked- we have four kids in total, yes she is her grandfather on my wife’s side. My wife’s mom already passed 7 years ago.

Here’s what people continued to say to OP:

Emotional-Parfait-348 wrote:

When I was 13 or so, two things happened in the same day. I got the dvd of my absolute favorite movie, and my dad’s brother passed. As I was opening the dvd case, I ripped the cover.

I was devastated that my beloved dvd was no longer perfect. I had a pretty over the top reaction for a dvd case being messed up and my parents (rightfully) chewed me out a bit for it. Looking back now as an adult, my reaction was because I didn’t know how to deal with the feelings of grief over his death.

We weren’t close, but I was a pretty empathetic kid and knew this was a hard death for my dad. So I poured my weird grief feelings into being upset that my dvd case didn’t look perfect anymore. Obviously your daughter is not a 13-year-old girl, but people don’t deal with grief in rational ways all the time.

Regardless of age. I mean look at you, you called her selfish and cruel because you couldn’t deal with the emotions her emotions caused you. Unfortunately this is a devastating and losing situation for everyone involved. A man is dying. A daughter is losing her father, a granddaughter is losing her grandfather.

Then on top of the loss, the daughter has one of the most important, and should be happiest, days scheduled. This day will now always be marked with this loss. It will never just be her happy day she married someone she loves, but will always be when her mother wasn’t there because her grandpa was dying. Brutal.

YTA for not showing the same empathy to your daughter that you expect from her. You are still the parent in this situation, so act like one. I’m not saying your wife shouldn’t go be with her father. I have no idea what I would do in this situation, (Although I can’t imagine my dad wanting me to miss my daughters wedding for anything) but you could at least take a minute to look at the wider picture here.

whatev88 wrote:

This is not an AITA situation, in my opinion – it’s an ‘am I making the right decision as a parent (and daughter)’ situation. For the record, I think your wife is making the wrong call, and that she will regret missing her daughter’s wedding. I say that as someone who has an ill, aging father who has had several close calls since a severe stroke 6 months ago.

And I bet that if your wife’s dad were cognizant/with it enough to express his feelings, he would tell her to go to her daughter’s wedding. The wedding is TOMORROW. She can go to the wedding and fly out immediately after. My dad would be so upset if he realized I missed my child’s wedding to be at the hospital with him – yes, even if he was potentially on the brink of passing.

Hell, when the stroke happened, his last cognizant thought before it took him was to tell my mom not to tell me until our family got home from the vacation we were on. (Do I sometimes wish he hadn’t done that, or that she hadn’t listened? Yes. But I also understand where he was coming from as a parent and grandparent.)

avrgdad wrote:

NAH. This is an unbelievably emotionally charged situation for everyone involved. It’s a day your daughter may have been dreaming about her whole life and her mom not being there is really upsetting. I understand her reaction.

Obviously your wife needs to be with her dad in his final moments. It’s a terrible situation, I’m very sorry for you and your family. Everyone is upset but it’s justifiable. Your wife is doing the right thing. You should go to the wedding. Your daughter is understandably upset but she’ll eventually understand once the shock and stress have worn off.