“AITA for not getting craft supplies for my daughter and letting her get excluded?”
I(37F) and my husband(37M) have a daughter (8F) and a son. This post is only about my daughter. She is in 3rd grade now, this happened recently. When we were getting ready for school, she told me in the morning in a panic that she needed craft supplies for a project at school.
I asked what she wanted and that we probably have it at home. She brought her bag and pulled out a crumpled circular from her school which gave a long list of supplies to bring on that day. It had a lot of stuff including but not only- 1 chart paper, photographs printouts, markers etc. We only had a few things already with us.
They were things we couldn’t get at the moment as any shops that could have those nearby don’t open until 8:30 (her school starts at 8:30). Then I told her it’s simply not possible for us to get them this late.
I checked the date of the circular and it was sent well before the holidays and she had plenty of time to tell us. I asked her why she didn’t tell us, she said that she completely forgot. I told her we can’t get them today. She cried and begged to at least stay home but I said no. She begged me to bring them to school, I told her I couldn’t.
After I sent her to school, at around 10, I got a call from her teacher asking when I would be bringing the supplies(she told her teacher I would bring them). I told her that I wasn’t bringing them.
Her teacher said that all the other kids are working on their project while she is sitting out. I told her to let her sit out, actions (or the lack thereof) had consequences and if she hadn’t told us this late, we could have gotten them. Maybe next time, she will tell us if she needs something in advance.
After her teacher told her that I wouldn’t be bringing them, she broke down crying. The teacher consoled her by telling her to help her classmates and that she would check if she can arrange for another chart for her.
Her teacher asked the others if they had extras but they didn’t. She said she would check the art room if there were extras she could use and went to check, but there weren’t. The teacher just told my daughter to continue helping her classmates.
After school, she went crying to my husband that I didn’t bring them. After I came home, he asked me why I couldn’t just bring them to her. I told him that it was a long list of things and that I didn’t have time last minute.
I showed him the list and he agreed with me and told her that it was too late to ask for these things. She said she was forced to sit out and and her classmates had fun and I should have let her skip school- I’m not setting a bad example for her.
Her teacher called me later and asked me how I could do this to her? She’s a child and had to sit out because of me and that I should have checked her bag before and not blamed her. She told me I was wrong to not pay more attention to her and should have at least brought a chart paper.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
TrippleDubbs
NTA The teacher is the AH here. If this project was so important and such a big deal they should have alerted parents directly when the paper was sent home.
I have 2 boys, in 4th and 5th grade currently. We have an app that the school/teacher sends announcements on. My younger one will not remember to give me any news from school no matter what. Often that app is the only reason I know something is coming up.
I agree with your methods. My son has missed so many birthday parties or fun class activities because he will not even bring home the papers let alone fish them out of his rat nest backpack and give them to me.
But screw that teacher for not ensuring that parents know, and lets be real for not having extras for kids who forget or have deadbeat parents, or parents who cannot afford to go and buy a long list of extra craft supplies at Christmas time! You gave your daughter a natural consequence. The teacher turned it into shame.
Such-Problem-4725
FINALLY! A parent who doesn’t coddle a child when they’re in the wrong. This lesson will stick with her throughout her life instead of her becoming dependent on manipulation.
ProfTreeLawnee
NTA – Actions have consequences. You used this as a teachable moment. I bet she doesn’t forget to tell you in advance is she needs supplies or assistance for anymore upcoming school projects.
I personally feel a 3rd grader is more than capable to take some responsibility for their school work and know when they have large things they are working on or are due. My son is in 4th grade and yes, I check my kiddos book bag and his folder everyday but he is responsible for doing his assigned classwork and letting me know if he needs things.
lyralady
YTA your child is 8, not 16, and you sound kinda…passive aggressive about it. Like do you expect your 8 year old to be the AH here because that’s who the conflict is with. It would be one thing to say “I won’t be able to go get supplies after dropping you off. I know this sucks but we will work something out so it doesn’t happen again.”
You should be checking her backpack regularly because she’s 8 and going to forget things. It shouldn’t get to this point. The thing to do would be to go “okay I can’t go get these for you today due to work/whatever BUT when we get home let’s work out a system for going through papers and homework from your backpack and writing things on a wall calendar together.”
As someone with ADHD having a system in place as a child would’ve also done WONDERS. But EVERY child needs a system to work with because they’re learning how to do stuff like this.
Yadayada143
NTA. From a teacher: making the purchase of supplies a virtue or value for participation in class and a gate keeping thing is morally wrong at any income level. Request bulk supply donations from parents at the beginning of the year and distribute them to students on an as needed basis for projects.
Sure the kid could have been more responsible. The parent could have checked the backpack. But a teacher controls the classroom situation, and teaching kids early that they are tied to what their parent can provide is not the business.
morgaine125
YTA. Your child is only 8, which is too young for you to expect her to have reliable executive functioning skills. Part of your job as a parent is to teach her how to stay organized and on top of these things, such as by establishing and enforcing routines for her to clean out her backpack each day with you or your husband and making sure everyone is aware of notices, deadlines, etc.
